.. ##### #### # ##### #### ___ # ### ### # # # # # # # # # #### # # # ## #== # ### # # # # # #3 # #__ # # # ##### #### # #### # ### # E G G B E A T ER it's like mastrubation, only less anticiliar" a impro fanfic by the shamed and humiliated masses twoflower seangivan ardweden chrisn illyria johnevans signus todd greg rags zereth calli calculus woofer brians itami johnevans lurker blackmage rags myth damienroc calculus johnevans jvalk jrock calculus damienroc rags signus woofer woofer woofer rags neovid jvalk woofer darrelwong darrelwong neovid woofer darrelwong darrelwong twoflower woofer darrelwong woofer woofer darrelwong signus illyria woofer neovid woofer rags neovid damienroc elrutt elrutt woofer neovid elrutt mmk mmk neovid mmk rags neovid mmk rags neovid elrutt rags woofer elrutt elrutt neovid elrutt neovid elrutt neovid neovid mmk neovid neovid mmk mmk neovid rags mmk rags mmk rags givan neovid rags [To write for Zeitgeist Eggbeater, contact .] FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (If you can read this, you are too close) * The great startship Zeigeist Eggbeater was the flagship of the Zweiblume empire. It has six teen phalanx cannons which can atomize a planet in less than sixty seconds and a hundred hundred and sizty thousnad nuclear cruise missiles, and that's a lot because if you fired them all at once they could easily take out the death Star and probably everything else near it like all those damn ewoks and who doesn't want that, really? the ship was sixty thousand miles long and could dwarf a red dwarf star in its shadow but you'd be hard pressed to find something that can emit enough light to shadow it the way you'd want it to. The captain was a man with a huge chin and a frap ray blaster known only as Twinky Bastard, for he liked snackcakes. Twinky was known around the galaxy for never backing down from any fight so a lot of people under his command usually got horribly killed in a variety of really terrible ways but he always survived, so they gave him medals. In fact the medals tended to act like bulletproof armour because they were so thick, and that's funny because most people don't usually get metals for anything, do they? Anyway that's all the background we need right now, so we better get started. "Captain Sir!" said Ellen, the blonde communication officer. "The Galatic Reich is calling us, they want us to go on a mission." "WELL THIS BETTER BE GOOD BECAUSE ITS INTERRUPTING MY VACATION" roared Twinky. The com screen in front of all the seats in the bridge turned on, showing an old moustached guy. "Bastard, this is-" "ARE YOU CALLING ME A BASTARD???!!" roared Captain Bastard. "Sorry, I mean Captain Bastard." The old guy rolled his eyes. "Anyway we've got these horrible bug aliens invading Earth, each bug is about three miles long and our regular ships can't pierce thier thick shell! They're threatening the peace and safety of Earth!!" "LET'S ROLL!" yelled Twinky, he LEAPT over the railing and landed PLOP in his comfy leather captain chair. He reached down and YANKED the control stick, sending the ship into light speed. "Those bugs are gonna see just what Earth passion and fighting spirit can do!" "Ok, Admiral Guy, we're on it!" smiled Ellen, and turned off the com link. * In the back cargo room someone was having sex * "What are you doing, you moron?" the woman yelled at the man who was sitting next to her but on the other side because on her right was a pet poodle so he had to be on the left probably. "Washing your windows?" he asked uncertainly. "I don't have any windows!" "But..." "Take your desert and go!" And the forlorn man wandered out of the ship cafeteria. "Honestly, Sherbert," the woman said as she petted her barking pudle. "What am I going to do with all these guys showing up and asking to wash my windows?" Sherbert barked. "Yes. Very good Idea. I WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD WITH MY AMAZING AND STUNNING AND WONDERFUL AND REALLY NEAT CAFITERIA FOOD MAKING SKILZ!!!!!!!" She would have laughed evilly but she didn't know how. The poodle whined. * in the back cargo room someone walked in on the someone having sex. 'May I join you please?" he asked. * *And, the massive turgidnesss of the Zeigiest Eggbeater. which pulses and thrubbed in the dark cleft of space, thrustin ever harder between the mountains of the star,racing toward Earth. Yes, Earth where there were giant space bugs menace the women of ea rtth, and the old dude with t eh moustache.Therer were the crew,who I'm telling you about because I feel like it who were thecrew of the Ziegeist Eggbeater. The giant robot, Tinkerbelle, who stroke the plasma fusion induction steam boilers with his might y piston. Trixie, weho was a lebisian. Twinky Bastard's Scottish cousin, Fat. The Vulcan, mr Spork, was in the science lab, but he was a test animal subject for the science derector Git'de'puu'ouph'mie'buum, who was a *githyanki*. And there were, two chicksnamed Traci and Pam and Anna, who were , and they were all lesbian. And the cook, a sentient goldfish, who in the past, rule the planet Shinjiikari in the Evangelio system.And everyone ate porkrinds, everyday, all day, so they had gas really bad.Suddenly the Earth of the Outer rim, appeard. But, Twinky Bastard was a skillled pilot , so he didn't hi t the planet, but only clipped the moon with the Zeigiest Eggbeater's fender, reducing the planet to rubble."Yeah, dammit, I'm so fucking smooth!' Said the captian!"Take me now, except you're not a chick." added Ellen.Then the bugs bit the hull of the ship. There was a lot of screaming, and people died messily as their brains exploded out of their head.s the goopy grey ma tter hit the face of Sharron."NOOOOOOO!," screammed Sharonn. "Billy."But, bIlly was dead an the GIANT INCEST INSECT HAD aten him. The bug extended it's teticales...* in the back cargo room someone walked in on the someone having sex. 'May I join you please?" he asked. * Pretty Magic Queen Skipper walked over to the viewscreen and gasped. She was naked. But she is gasping not because she was naked but because of what was on the viewscreen. It was a poodel. She knew that poodle! 'Skipper, we have a problem." "What is it?" she asked, quivering in fear. Sherbet frowned at her, as if impartingthe wisdom and knowledge og of the Ages upon her naked and slender and very desiable form. "You must find the Spork." Skipper is gasping! "But...the Spork has been hidden for centuries and milleniums! I don't think I could find it by myself." "I planned for this contigency. Pretty Magic Queen Nicole, Barbie, Candy, and Ken will join you." "Ken?" "She completes her surgury next week." * in the back cargo room someone looked up from having sex. "hey guys, pretty Magic Queen Skipper needs our help! We can finish the orgy later!" "What do you mante later?" she cried. "Sorry" "Getback here! dammit where did I put my leash and strapon!" Meanwhile the Zeitgeist eggbeat was flying in towar dEaryth. And the giant butss were destroying it. But the captain stopped what he was doing for a moment to take care fo things and all the bugs were dstroyed "Earth is safe...FOR NOW!" he proclaimed. * Magical princess Skipper was a strong, intelligent girl. She was ready to help defend the solar system against jusice and help the innocent and guilty. It had been hard when she found out that she was actually a magicl princess but she had been able to pull through with help from her good friends Mabel and Zelda who were also nice girls. But that day there was asecret evil seed planted inside her which was always growing and would someday break free to threaten the world. so now this evil seed was growing and influencein g her thoughts an making her feel like doing bad things and being meant o people and that whas why she was deciding to destroy the earth. Menwhile, in another starship, just as big and nasty as the one we've ben introducted to in the begginging of this story, the captain had just finished slicing the throat of his 207th communeication ficcer, who tapped into the main communeication galaxy link and overheard the orders to Zeitgeist Eggbeater. Captain Timoty Des Curv, also known as Cap Timmy IV, also known as God Emperor Timmy, also known as Most Malevolent Timmy, once called Timmy the Power Gamer, was unamoused. It's bad enough to have all his titles contain his hated nicname Timmy for those who didn't get the clue, but once again he was pissed over by high commmand over his long-time hated self-proclaimed nemesis and rival He didn't like the bastich's guts, and he wasn't gonna be starting now, evein if he had to go outta his way to lett him piss over his opportunitty to get the glory he deserrved. Number One, he seremed. "SET COURSE FOR EARTH!" He wiped his opulent, gem-encrusted hands clean of blood. His first mate NERVously GLAMced at the corpse of Leutenant Rouge, recently-deceased becaues he had the bad fortune to inform the good psycho Cap the bad news. "Yes, Sir!" "I will not let that luky egomaniac win this round!!!" Timmy ranted. "I will be at him to the battle, and get the award for saving the world, even if it will destroy the planet along with the aline insects!" Scratching his goatee nervously, first mate Leutenant Go T. Scrape turned to the navigatior. "You heard the Cap. Hop to it." "Ay, ay, Kapitan." Leutenant Borneo sauted in his odd way, the type used by natives of old times when faced with god-like superiors... "And if we meet the starship Zeigeist Eggbeater, destroy it until it is destroyed!!!" Cap Timmy IV screamed. In space, a huge behemoth slowly headed towards its destination. Xelgust Ballcrusher moved to Earth and it's unholy mission of doom and destruction to anything in its path. ----> * "OH MY GOD!" screamed the deck officer of the Zeitgeist Eggbeater she she strained to look at her consiole while simultanosly pushing Cap'n Twinky and his twinkie offher cuz it was a kid's show and they didn't want to offend the censors, "The [Xelgust Ballcrusher] is [coming]! It's coming! WAI WAI WAI!" and then she ran around until her clothes fell off and she collapsed on deck and died. Captain Twinky blinked and looked at the screen. "Never fear! I'll just use my Ultra Special Death Ray thingy, right Death? Glod? Rincewind?" "It's GOLD!" IT WOULDN'T BE FANFIC WITHOUT ME, WOULD IT? "AAAAAGH!@ AAAAAAGH! AAAAAGH!" ----- Meanwhile, the orgy in the back cargo room resumed, because eventually sex leads to large groupings of cosmic powers and stuff, so they could defeat Princess Skipper. Ken had to sit out, though. Authors Note: This part sucks. I mean, really sucks. Sucks hard. I am not worthy. Please strap me to a rack and compliment me until I admit that I really did write a good part, because otherwise I have no self worth. Did I mention that this part sucks? It sucks. Wagh. * * The orgie conmtinued unabated, multiple bodies entwindd in sex * * The Xelgust Ball crusher fired, and hit the Eggbeater, which blew up, going Boom! * * The Captain sighed, 'thats the third ship this week!' andf stomped aroudn the bridge capsule, which awas self sufficent, and the rest of the crew cried. * * in the cargo room, a husband wandered into the Orgie, "VALERIE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?! * "VALERIE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Valerie replied, "The spread eagle, honey! Just like you taught me!" The husband shook his head. "Oh... carry on, then," he eked out. The husband turned away and walked off, sulking. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* "Damn it! Damn it to heck!" the Captain muttered. "What the hell does '2 Credits to Continue' mean?" */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* The husband walked down the corridors, oblivious to his surroundings. Valerie, his love, his reason for living, his tax-writeoff, was messing around with another man. And another man. And a woman. And another man. And another woman. And a rabbit with a switchblade. And... something that looked like a fuzzy square. "Why? WHY? WHYYYY?" he screamed out to the heavens. The heavens boomed back, "Because you're an absolute dickweed." The husband shook his fist at the heavens. "Oh, a dickweed, am I?" he retorted. "Well, I, my own self, think you are full of Grade-A prime baloney!" The heavens laughed their celestial asses off. "Mock me, will you? Well, I swear that I, THE HUSBAND, will put an end to this mudball of a universe!" With renewed purpose, The Husband stormed off, rushing towards the nearest Atomic Weapon Vending Machine. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Rowan, G, James and Gary looked skyward and saw a spaceship wobbling in the sky. "It's coming this way!" Gary shouted. G pulled out a book. "The ship's not in my notes. I don't know where the weak spot is," he confessed. "Then let's just shoot the hell out of it!" Rowan shouted. All four AMA agents pulled out their Guns of Justice(tm) and opened fire. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Kasumi woke up with a jolt. "...what's wrong?" a voice beside her asked. "...nothing," Kasumi answered. "I... I felt a disturbance in the force." "...get back to bed," the voice besides her demanded. "Yes, Henchi," she replied and went to sleep again. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* "Is Woofer still dead?" "Yup." "Kenny, too?" "Yup." "And Aerith?" "Yup." "SON OF A BITCH!" */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* And somewhere, a clown was having sex. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* It was a day like any other day. Children played in parks. Couples made out in parks. Stalkers hid in bushes in parks. And all that stood between this and something completely different was one man, a single individual which held the power to save the day should his awesome super powers be needed. Unfortunately he was busy buying ice cream on the corner and so all of this ceased to exist 14 seconds later. On the other side of town millions of tiny red crabs migrated from their coastal home to their coastal vacation homes on the other side of the penninsula (yes, there is a pennninsula, that's where the town is). Now, it's a well known fact that the shortest distance between to points is a straight line and crabs are no slouches when it comes to things like this so it really was no big deal for them to just go straight across the land mass. And so they tried, and so they were trampled, run over by cars, swept into drains, picked up and tortured by the cruel kid that lives down the block (you know who I'm talking about), and generally just given a .000000000000001% chance of surviving the 10 mile trek to the other beach. A few miles away, the lobsters laughed their asses off. * hiz thiss is JeffK and i have hAx0red this file so I can talk to you about wether the nvida GeForce 3d catd is beter or a rookc is and hers a pix of a bennchimark whifch is rgitght here and u cn c how teh rcok is vbette bcause it's bar is tallleer and that meens i cood threow it fartnr an its free so izts bettur an is roX0rs! so u shuld get a kroc nstad and my mom sez that she's going to sprray the basement for cenipedes so i should get out cause the spray could hurt me but I have haXored my hat so it protects gaaaaarrrfdck aaerch hurk hny; NO CARRIER * JeffK then found himself on the ship. He lookround tehn was blasted by Sailor Chibi Moon. I say you shall die!" She said. She then blasted him into the husband. "AAEEIIIIIII! screamedthe huband. "mYwork here is done! She" said and lbikned outta exsitsance. JeffK and the husband melted together too become... Jeffk And The Husband! There body then stalked down the corridor in serach of the vending machines. * The husband had cracked. "WHY? WHY?!!!" "That is a secret," winked Xelloss. "When the hell did you get here?" "That is a secret." "Stop saying that!" "That is a secret." "..." "That is a secret." "DIE." "That is a secret." The husband picked up a shotgun and shot Xelloss. The shot connected with Xelloss's left shoulder, sending gore and bone fragments splattering against the wall. "Wait a minute...you're not Xelloss...you're...A GIANT CHICKEN!" The husband pulled off his mask, revealing the menacing form of... Colonel Sanders. "I've been waiting for you, Xelloss-Boo, and now, I shall have my ORIGINAL ROASTED CHICKEN! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!" Xelloss just sweatdropped. And a short, brown-haired, immortal figure with the power to blow up the Universe infinity times over around the corner nodded to himself and vanished... * */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* "My work here is done!" Sailor Chibi Moon replied. "No, it isn't!" Sailor Chibi Moon turned around. "Who said that?" She was face to face with Akane Tendo. Yes, Akane Tendo. Damn it, if this is going to be the worst impro ever, then I'm going to fit in all of my personal biases! So NEENER NEENER NEENER! Sailor Chibi Moon and Akane began to beat each other senseless. Then Xelloss joined the fight. And then Tom Green. And newbies in message boards that post stupid messages or flame the board's regulars. And taxmen, too. Then Shattuck killed them all, and it was cool. OR WAS IT? */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Zathras belched. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* JeffK looked up. "Do you realize that you're trespassing in my garden?" Priapus asked. JeffK paled. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* "Augh!" "What's wrong, Twoflower!" "Too many swordfighting tribbles! We must abort the fanfiction!" "Do we really?" "No, not really." */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Fingertips, Fingertips, Fingertips, Fingertips... */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* And then, things got WEIRD. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* I looked around. I was surrounded by flatulent ninjas in the front and killer cows in the rear. Damn, I hate Mondays. If only I had my can of Cheez-Whiz with me. But I don't. "Hey! Smoley!" my lovely wife shouted to me. "Yeah?" I shouted back. "Do you want ham and cheese or peanut-butter and jelly with your lunch?" "Ham and cheese, please!" "Okay!" The ninjas advanced. Fortunately, I had my Bean-o handy, so I dispatched them with ease. "Moooo," the cow mooed. Oh, shit. He was RIGHT. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Yarslov looked underneath him. "Hugh? What are you doing down there?" "Um... checking your oil?" "Okay, that makes sen... HEY! I'M NOT IN A CAR!" */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* "Hey, Skull!" Brent called. "Did you make this coffee today?" Skull nodded. Brent hit Skull on the chin. "IT TASTES LIKE SWILL!" */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* "...okay. You're insane, you know that?" "That's what they all say. That's what they ALL say." */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* "Okay... we fired 7,650 rounds at it, and it hasn't had any effect. What now, G?" "Now... I have a brilliant idea!" "And what's that?" "WE RUN!" */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* The Zitgeists egbatter flew thru space tho it blu up but that doznt mattr anyway U dont know what real riting is anyway but then the captain said DAMMIT WHO LET THAT CLOWN IN HEAR! MAKE IT STOP CRYIGN!!!!!!!!!!!" cheif buttonpushin osifer Ranma Satomonme sed "you dont tell me what I have to do! shut up!" Captain basterd!!!! thru a bucket of water on ramna and said "now your a woman! have sex with me!!!!! and rnmaa what was a girl now said, OKAY! Lets hav esex! after the sex, ranma and the captain had sex seven mor timez until the ship blew up agan bcuz ranma was suposed to push the butten that kept it from blowin up but he or she didnt because she was havin SEX! * ... ... Op me. ... ... Op me. ... ... Op me. ... ... Op me. ... ... Op me. ... ... Op me. *** Signoff: Itami (Killed (MadAuthor (NO! You dubbed over Megumi Hayashibara, you bastard!))) ... Author's Note: ... * "Ha! you can never cursh MY BAlls!!!!" as the ballcrusher tried to curht the eggebater again "Yes they're so strong!" ellen said again. "Anyway we have to save the earth again! thos damn rcbanbs are going to take it over! crabs!' "I told you to use protection'! Doc said =====>) meanwhile magickal princess skipper was looking up from her magical sex slaves and tryihng to figure out what smoley was doing and where her nnjas had gone and what was happening with her double anget (ha haaa! get it????!?!) ranma saotome * "Why the hell am I in this story anyway?" Brent asked. iN THE BACK CARGO ROOM SOMEONE WAS HAVNG SEX opps caps hee hee actually they weren't in the back room anymore they started havingf sex at the ultradome but who gives a fuck they having sex hehehehehehs ex eesexsesesesxsexSEX! Oh yeah what else was going on I forgot on yeah Okay so okay the Zeitgeist Eggbeater was like headed for Earth still and then the viewscreen came on and like there was this big ugly duck thing and its eseeyes wer flashing and it gav everybody seizures and the ship went way off course so it was't actually going to get to earth yet even if it walready deid I ghave absolutely no idea do you? Um, nad people died and bled and stuff. Yeah. And there was sex. * andD then tebh Captain hda a sexchnage n it turn into a demon, whicn gtaota;lly disrtupt the plot, but heay it'sa not mtyy best righting, bute then aghin it'a not my wriist etiher. * Dan Rolled in And yellsed , "OOASHYA!!!" *** Ohk, I htake back the part where te demon truans into teh Captain, oh no wait, the dapctin turns into teah edeamonm. Soryy about the formtattin i usaully right in hyaperterxt. *** Wherse wer ewe? ** * *********8 8***** 8 ooh pretty arasterisksa *** **8 ***88888888888******** * Oh eyah, that's wright , teh Zieighest egbgeater blu up sum schitt ora sumthin. U can use ur imagination to think up what the egbeater blu up in ur imagintation. ansd tehn tehca clown had moera, oh asorry i can't wright SEX b-czu i'm too yung fro teah t stuff,a so teh clwoan had lotsa od thata raelly sexual likea stuff, but ica ntno't use teh word SEDX, so eayh u can put ur iamnagitnon TO WORK HERE oand thi k up what sex like stuff would be like sex. ********************************* ooh morea perrty asterikas!*!@!@ *********** "o/~Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale. A tale of a fateful trip, that started on this tropic port aboard this tiny ship o/~" *CLICK* "But how can we save Jimmy from DarkHeart if BraveHeart Lion is too sad to---" *CLICK* "Stop! ... Or my mom will shoot!" *CLICK* "Ginger, or Mary Anne?" "Ginger." "Beer, or Michelob?" "Mi-- *CLICK* "Ungh, ungh.. YEah! YEAH! OOOOOH-- *CLICK!!* Fzzt-- "Don't bother adjusting your television. I, FREEMAN JACK, have complete control over--" *CLICK* "Excuse me? Ackhem.. I, FREEMAN JACK, have complet--" *CLICK* "HAVE COMP--" *CLICK* "COMP--" *CLICK* "DAMMIT! WILL YOU QUIT THAT?!" "..." *CLICK* "QUIT IT!!" *CLICK* "STOP!" *CLICK* "ARGH!" *ZAP* And lo, Freeman Jack doth died of a self inflicted laser blasteth to the headeth. Eth. ****** A technician in a white outfit befitting the role she bore turned from yer terminal to address the captain. "Sir, results came up negative. There is nothing good on american TV anymore." Bastard's face was a mask of pain. "The Horror!" Another technician turned to report. "Our results are also negative sir. You have a purity percentage of 0, a love percentage of 0, You will never make a million dollars, you shoul've died last week, any sexual encounters you claim to have had must've been with hand puppets--" *ZAP* As the second tech's corpse was wheeled out by droids wearing union badges captain Bastard looked to the other techs woroking on his reseach projects, all of whom had conveniently found something productive looking to do... * A group of 50 people gathered in a small, enclosed area. They talked. They wandered. They were all named Bruce. *Evil laughter followed by incoherent cussing and coughing* "Hello, Bruce. How are you today?" "Fine Bruce. Say, have you met Bruce, Bruce?" "No I haven't, hello Bruce!" "G'day, Bruce. My name's Bruce, Bruce, and might I introduce my wife, Bruce?" "Hello, Bruce!" "Good day, good sir. Bruce, is that Bruce over there?" "Why yes it is! Hallo Bruce!" "Oh look! It's bruce! Haven't seen you in years!" "Bruce, Who's that over there, Bruce?" Everyone was silent. "Umm... I'm Jakob." Silence. "Bruce! He's a traitor, Bruce!" "Bruce, he's not like all us Bruces..." "Off with his head Bruce!!!" Jakob ran away. * >_< Meanwhile, the Zeitgeist Eggbeater ran into a black hole... It only got part way, before the black hole reversed polarity and became a white hole. The Zeitgeist Eggbeater was ejected part way. Then the white hole reversed polarity AGAIN, turning into a black hole, sucking the ZE back inside. Repeat process. In and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and... you get the idea, right? The ZE entered the black hole more and more each time. The polarity shifts increased and speed. Faster... Faster... FASTER... FASTER!!! AH! AH! AH! AH! YES! YES! YES! MORE! MORE! MORE! MORE! AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! Then the black hole exploded from the stress, the ZE popped out, lost its front end, and shed its outer armor layer. Meanwhile, two gods or something looked at eachother. "Was it good for you? Note: I'm glad I managed to come up with this... Otherwise I would have just cut and pasted part of my novel. ja ne. * Somewhere, several thousand miles away, and several thousand feet below, Gelbarion thrusts. (6) * Magical Princess Skipper looked at the screen. "The Zeitgeist Eggbeater is gone. We have to find it. It is our only chance of destroying, I mean saving the world. Magical Princess Barbie, prepare the scanners." "Yes Magical Princess Skipper!" "Magical Princess Nicole, put your toys away!" "Yes Magical Princess Skipper!" Magical Princess Barbie made sure to lock the python securely in its cage. She then oiled the banana to keep it supple and began to neatly coil the ropes. "Magical Princess Skipper!" Magical Princess Candy exclaimed. "The Zeitgeist Eggbeater was last seen entering a black hole which was emanating strange energy fields." "Follow it then!" Magical Princess Skipper commanded. Magical Princess Nicole pressed herself against Magical Princess Skipper's back. "I love it when you're authoritative," she purred. * meanwhile it was daylight while peopl ewere having eskx and sombody shouted "do me! do me now!!!!!! and gowd came down adn did ehr and it was orgasmic os fucking cool. "let there be cum!" and ther ewsa and it was good. god I needs a fducking life. * Meanwhile, in a well-tended garden not too far away... Priapus eyed the suddenly much, much, whiter portion of his garden with an odd expression. Of course, it was turning pink near where he was from standing, for reasons that are best left unsaid before the watershed hour. The fertility god unceremoniously concluded his dealings with his garden's latest interloper, the body dropping on the ground with a slight squish. He fumbled through the kipple on his breakfast table before coming up with a largish pill bottle used to hold supplemental vitamins, but being in the possession of the Roman fertility god, contained something else entirely. He looked over the pill bottle's label, reading the directions intently before throwing his head back to face the sky. "ME-DAMMIT!" Priapus roared. "It *was* TWO pills every FOUR hours, not FOUR pills every TWO hours!" * Bad things were happening in the main reactor. Were the reactor administrator at his station, he would have noticed how some very worrying chemicals were flowing past the reactor core. However, he had decided that the blasted reactor could look after itself for half an hour while he enjoyed a Horribly Spicy Noodle Plate of Doom and a large cup of Epsi One (The Real Author's Beverage) in the nastier of the Zeitgeist Eggbeater's two on-board restaurants. The purple-haired man at the reactor controls smiled. "Yare, yare..." * "Security to reactor control. Security to reactor control." The squadron clanked their way down the corridor, stopping outside the door. The commander spoke up. "Hey! What's going on in here?!" Xelloss smiled. "Ah, sore wa..." * The creature was not happy. The last thing he remembered was stepping inside one of the more "interesting" nightclubs in downtown Saillune. Now, he was in this big room with all these very irritating flashing lights and klaxons. Where had these sharp teeth come from, anyway?! The Stay-Puuft Marshmallow Mokona growled a long, low growl. * "...Mokona." "Puuuuuuuuuuuuuuu..." * (The author sat down to work on his part... not Zeitgeist Eggbeater, but who cares, really, he was going to work on something.) (his computer froze) (The author smiled, calmly reached down and flipped off his computer, waited the requisite amount of time, and turned it back on.) (The computer popped through the startup sequence. The author opened up his chosen writing program, placed his hands over the keyboard, and started to type.) (the computer froze) (The author sweatdropped, turned off and on his computer, and prepared to write again.) (the computer, feeling somewhat impish on this day, froze) (The author went out, spent $1100 dollars, and was soon on his way to fixing the problem once and for all.) (...) (No, you fools, he did not buy a new computer.) (Somewhere, in his mansion along the shores of Lake Washington, the prey waited... he did not know that he was prey, well, not to anyone who wasn't part of the US Govt, but he was still, prey. Somewhere, someone was stalking him with an assault rifle bought from Bob's Discount Military Weapons.) (Or, at least, that was the plan, until the author found that he had no CAR with which to use to drive up I-5 to take out the man who had caused all his problems.) * Ernest Borgnine released the hammer on his bolt action submachine gun. Locked and loaded. In just a few moments his revenge would be complete. His training from doing Airwolf was paying off. His master plan was coming to fruition. He could hardly beleive the time he'd awaited for so long was finally at hand. His hands were trembling as he adjusted his grip on the gun. He wiped the sweat from his brow and took deep breaths. Soon... Soon.... *** X.X *** It was a quiet night. The wind rustled eucalyptus leaves gently in time with the tall grasses that marked the edge of a large back yard containing an assortment of patio furniture, umbrellas and a giant trampoline. Everyone was usually asleep by this time of night and so the only noises that could be heard were the faint chirping of crickets and size twelve army boots padding slowly towards the single two-story house in the area. Within seconds a single figure dressed in a brown sportscoat and bluejeans scrambled to the backdoor of the house and with a rather violent kick knocked it right off it's hinges. Mad cackling could be heard from outside as the windows one by one lit up with the stacato lighting of a well built peice of german mechanism. The gun made pretty lights too. *** X.X *** "Mr. Borgnine, this IS the police. We have you surrounded. Release the hostage and come out with your hands up." "You'll never get me alive copper!" Ernest had always liked that line. Even before his role in 'The Dirty Dozen'. "You don't know what these people put me through! The years of emotional anguish! The pain and suffering at the hands of others! Do you know what that's like? Huh? Do you!?" Oh how he'd always wanted to say that. "Well, Yes I do. But that's besides the point Mr. Borgnine. Let the hostage go now or we'll play loud music until you go insane." The lieutenant to the captain's left nudged him a bit and expressed and questioning expression. "... Oh, uh... Nevermind." A faceless patrolperson (gotta be politically correct, you know) whispered something unintelligable to the Lt. who promptly shoo'ed him away and spoke again to the captain. "Hey Cap? We got some of Ernie's friends here from outta state. They think they can talk him down some. Wanna give it a try?" "Well of course, you idiot! Why didn't you tell me sooner? Bring them on up here so we can get this over with. I'm missing Walk, Texas Ranger." A few moments later a Kansas state patrol car pulled up with the police line infront of the house and Trey Parker and Matt Stone stepped out wearing "We are the World" Micheal Jackson fanshirts. They stepped up to the front of the line without so much as a word and looked up towards the bleak scene of violence that was the house. They looked up to the second story bedroom window where Ernie was standing, staring perplexed at them with a strange glint in his eye and, with outstretched arms and faces of warm, plutonic love for a dear friend Trey said, "Ernie we know you're hurting. We know you're scared. But we want you to know that we'll always be your friends and we're here for you man." "Yeah," Matt broke in. "And we would really appreciate if you would cut out this hostage situation crap and let us get back to watching my Who's Line tapes- GURK!!" The police all dove behind cover as Ernest Borgnine rained lukewarm metal death upon his Baseketball co-stars. He didn't stop until his magazine was empty. Then he reloaded and emptied another one. Then he stopped to laugh maniacally. Then he laughed like this: "HYAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAAA" Then he stopped for apparently no reason at all and fell face first out the window into the very painful yet soft and lifesaving rose bushes below. *** X.X *** After 2 hours of removing thorns from his ass the police were loading Ernest into the backseat of a patrolcar when the captain approached him for questioning. The bodies of Matt and Trey were strewn about the front yard but no one seemed to give a rat's ass... either that or they were just too disgusted to even put sheets over the various peices of them lying around. "Why did you do it, Ernie? Why? They were your parents for chrissake! What made you suddenly want to run through their home shooting up everything in sight and take the cleaning lady hostage? Why? Especially since they've been dead for thirty years and the house was legally yours anyway!" "They... ... I never got a chance to get them back for what they did to me. I never got a chance to pay them for all the hurt that I had to go through growing up. I never got to really show them how much what they did hurt me..." "What, Erny? What did they do??" "They... They named me ERMES! KYAAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA-- " * * <---- Going to another scene, this one one of peace, tranquility and serene solitude... "MWAGHAHAHAHAAGAHAHAHAHAWABA" Cap Timmy IV did the happy happy joyojoy dance in the bridge. "That pesky egomaniac worm of an archnemesis of mine Captain Twinky BASTARD is no more! I am the greatest! Look at me, ma! Look at me! TOP OF THE WORLD!!!" the rest of the crew followed suit, headbanging and humping their way up and down (and left and right, but mostly up and down on top of each other no less), escept for one as they selebrated their hard-earned victry. "mmm Cap," his first mate Lt. Scrape mumbled loudly. "Cap. We have transmisson. Received from an escape pod, I think From the Zeitgeist Eggbeater surviviors." "WHATTTTT!!!" Timmy the Power Gamer screeched. He drew his authentic Striker throat-slitting knife, the same one used on the still-dead communeication officer. Yes, right, sir, I think they survived and crashlaneded their shop to the planet The deranged captain strode towards his first mate lovingly, knife in hand. "You. Fix. This. Now." He crooned. The first mate backed away in fewar. "No, no, not me, not me..." "Here's your lunch, sir..." the cheerfully said. STAB! "Damn... Never mind, I changed my mind." The captain turned away, wiping yet another stain from his ringed fingers. "Assemble a search party and estroy them all. There must be no trace that we were after the Zweiblume Imperial threassure." He kicked the stewardess? dead corpst on the florr. And get rid of this. "Um, Cap?" Lt. Scrape quivered. "What about the alens?" "The Zeitgeist Eggbeater destroyed them all... or rather, the Zeitgeist Eggbeater perisshed in a cowardly attempt to flee the meager alien fprces." Cap Timmy IV sneered. "No, wait... make that we foied their attempts to betray us to the aliens. Yes, do that. Say ti hi commande what I just ordered you to." "But Cap... We're picking up more of them coming this way?" "Oh, them. Well, the rest of the crew man the guns. We have to make sure there are no survivors, right?" with that, Cap Timmy IV pucked up the body of the maid and proseeded to boff her on the terminal as he resumed his victry celebraeton. Scratching his goatee nervously, first mate Leutenant Go T. Scrape turned to the navigatior. "You heard the Cap. Hop to it." "Ay, ay, Kapitan." Leutenant Borneo sauted in his odd way, the type used by natives of old times when faced with god-like superiors... "And if we meet the starship Zeigeist Eggbeater, destroy it until it is destroyed!!!" Cap Timmy IV screamed. In space, a huge behemoth slowly headed towards its destination. Xelgust Ballcrusher moved to Earth and it's unholy mission of doom and destruction to anything in its path. ----> * The bugs arrived. No, nut the bugs that were destroyed by our great almighty ultrakewl heros, those were the advanced group. This as the main horde, and they will not take anty wquarterf from these pexy humans and ther poodles. Yes, they are hir, and boy are they girly-pissed. I mean, wouldn't you pee if you ar ean insektoid army and when you haven't eaten, slept and crapt all the way to the planet you are about to conquer, pillage and destroyyy? Yes, the bugs arrived. Face it: The Earth is saved. Finally. * <---- I kill me. ----> * * Cloud sat idly on the throne of Hell. He had his own haircut on his mind. He had Gourry's severed head in one hand. Cloud looked at Gourry's head. "You're the dummy!" he yelled. In what could be described as the third worst attempt at ventriloquism ever, the Cloud replied, as Gourry's head, "No, you're the dummy!" "No, you are!" "No, you are!" "No, you!" "No, you!" "MOMMY!" */ \* The world was safe, but for Fred, Mystical Nosehair Warrior, the problems were just beginning. "Stuck in a Nair trap!" he exclaimed, trying to dig himself free. */ \* The producer walked towards the dressing room. "Okay, Mr. Hibiki, your big fight scene is coming up. You're on in five minutes," he stated. There was a muffled sound from Dan's dressing room. "What?" the producer asked. More muffled sounds emerged from Dan's dressing room. Curious, the producer opened the door. He gasped at what he saw. He saw Dan in bed with Mai. And Tifa. And Rei. And Matsuro. And Actinae. And Gabriel. And the other Gabriel. And Shiryo. And a partridge. And a pear tree. "...oosha?" Dan eked out. */ \* "...and a few hours, my addiction started," Cai Gowth whimpered to the group. The group's leader, a woman with a tender heart, kind eyes and melon- sized hooters, placed her hand on Cai's shoulder. "If this is making you uncomfortable, Mr. Gowth..." she started to say. Without meeting her gaze, Cai raised his hand and stated, "No. I must continue my story, Miss Arphokrismydelica." Miss Arphokrismydelica nodded. Cai looked towards the ceiling and continued. "I used it to escape, y'know. Being a producer at 'Ultra' was hard work. HARD, I tell you. So I would sit down... and take some. But then, my need for it grew, and grew, and grew, until I was taking some seven times a day!" The group gasped. Miss Arphokrismydelica motioned for the others to quiet down. Cai proceeded, a tear running down his cheek. "But one morning, as I lay awake at 3am, staring at my ceiling, I had realized how low I had sunk. I used to be so strong, and now I was a slave. That's when I made the realization." Cai fell to his knees and sobbed, proclaiming, "I realized... I had a drinking problem! I couldn't stop drinking milk!" Miss Arphokrismydelica knelt down to the sobbing Cai and warmly embraced him. The rest of the group embraced each other. Okay, so they were having sex, but what would you rather see: this heartwarming, gut-wrenching scene between Cai and Miss Arphokrismydelica, or a group of random people boning each other senseless? */ \* Meanwhile, people were boning each other senseless. */ \* Right. Okay. Fine. I try to bring a little bit of DRAMA to this story. I try to give something with which the next author can work. I try to give people a reason to READ this accursed story, but all you want is a bunch of thwappa-thwappa?!? */ \* Thwappa-thwappa-thwappa-thwappa-thwappa-thwappa-thwappa-thwappa-thwappa- thwappa-thwappa-thwappa-thwappa-thwappa-thwappa-thwappa-thwappa-thwappa- thwappa- */ \* [bangs head against desk] Fine. Be that way. Have your bacchalaian gratification. Pagans. * Controversial Jack looked left. Controversial Jack looked right. Controversial Jack laughed. Laugh, Controversial Jack. Laugh. "Heh," Controversial Jack... heh-ed. (editor's note: it's an Improcommunity thing; don't bother trying to understand it. After all, it's not like people walk around in real life saying, "Heh," now, do they? Of course not! And people don't get golf-ball-sized sweatdrops on their head, either! I mean... JEEZ! What's wrong wi- *WHACK* (editor's note: The previous editor has been fired. But he does make a good point about th-*WHACK* (editor's note: The previous editor has been fired. This is no place to soapbox. I think people who use fanfiction to soapbox should be strung up by the-*WHACK (editor's note: The previous editor has been fired. And I don't want to be fired, so I'm just going to stand here and be real silent.)))) "No 'Zeitgeist Eggbeater' authors in sight! That means it's my turn!" */ \* "Come, Mr. Gowth. Let us leave this den of debauchery to seek a cure for your addiction," Miss Arphokrismydelica said as they left the support group. "Please, Miss Arphokrismydelica," Cai Gowth asked. "Just call me by my first name." Miss Arphokrismydelica smiled warmly at Cai and replied. "Okay, Cai. And you can call me by my first name." "What is your first name?" Cai asked. "Pixiesnot," Miss Arphokrismydelica answered. "...I see. Well, Miss Arphokrismydelica, let us be off!" */ \* He looked down at the departing couple. He smiled widely, glaring at his arch-nemesis, Cai. And then he was crushed by the falling spaceships from the first part of the story. "Damn it!" the Captain of the Zeitgeist Eggbeater swore. "And I just had this ship washed!" */ \* She looked down at the departing couple. She smiled widely, glaring at her arch-nemesis, Miss Arphokrismydelica. Akane Tendo would have her revenge for killing Ranma. Okay, so maybe AKANE killed Ranma. And Ryoga. And Kasumi. And Nabiki. And Soun. And, well, everyone in Nerima. But hey... misplaced anger is great, ain't it? */ \* Meanwhile, two corpses talked in Nerima. "Do you know what I really hate about being undead?" the first corpse asked. "The maggots eating the flesh from our bones?" the second corpse guessed. The first corpse shrugged, causing its arms to fall off its body. "Nah," it replied. "What really bugs me is how everyone just assumes that we're evil just because we're undead." The second corpse just stared blankly at the first corpse. At least it would have had its eyes not rotted out. "Dude," the second corpse sighed, "Your sense of priorities are screwed up." "HERE THEY ARE, LT. VALENTINE!" a voice screamed. Both corpses looked at each other, panic evident in their decomposing faces. * And in yet another convoluted plot thread... A man sat in his office. Normally, that is NOT a weird thing. However, this office had a cow motif that would have made even Gary Larson flee in terror. He looked at his secretary, a sheep. "Baaa," the secretary mentioned casually. The man balled up his fists and grimaced. "He WHAT?" he asked. "Baaa," the secretary repeated. "NO! That is unacceptable! They must be stopped!" "Baaa." "Oh, really?" "Baaa." "Well, in that case, I'll leave it in your hands. Do not fail me." "Baaa." */ \* Cai Gowth and Miss Arphokrismydelica walked down the street. Oddly enough, people were engaged in sex wherever they went. It was almost explainable in the nearby convenience store, but when Cai had to stop at a nearby church and saw (editor's note: The following part has been removed because it was too offensive. How offensive, you may ask? I showed it to Aaron Shattuck. He turned green, muttered, "That's just WRONG!" and rushed to the restroom. When he came back, he removed seven of my fingers and superglued my nostrils together. Oh, dear God, the pain... help me.), he couldn't help but think that something was amiss. "Miss Arphokrismydelica," he mentioned. "I feel like something is amiss." Miss Arphokrismydelica nodded. "I feel it too," she admitted. "And I have the crazy feeling that our three problems are somehow intertwined?" "Three?" Cai asked. Miss Arphokrismydelica nodded again and explained, "Your milk addiction, this seemingly global case of nymphomania, and my embarassing first name seem to be intertwined somehow. If only we knew who was behind all of this..." Cai saw a figure and paled. "AUGH! DEATH!" he shouted, pointing at the figure. The figure shrugged. "YEAH. I'M DEATH. BUT I'M JUST GOING TO PICK UP SOME MILK." "Milk?" Cai asked, drooling. "Cai, don't!" Miss Arphokrismydelica warned him. "It's a trap!" "UM, NO IT'S NOT. REALLY." "Miiiiiilk..." "Cai!" "I JUST NEED SOME MILK FOR MY CHEERIOS." "Miiiiiiiiiiilk..." Miss Arphokrismydelica slapped Cai's face. "Snap out of it!" she shouted. Cai staggered backward and shook his head. "Um... whoa... um, thanks, Miss Arphokrismydelica." Miss Aprhokrismydelica folded her arms and sighed. "Really..." "DARN! YOU DIDN'T FALL FOR MY TRAP!" Death lamented. "Hey!" Cai yelled. "You said it wasn't a trap!" "SO I LIED. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT, LACTOSE JUNKIE?" Before Cai could answer, Akane Tendo and a horde of slugs charged onto the scene. "Miss Arphokrismydelica, prepare to die!" Akane shouted. */ \* Controversial Jack found himself being tugged away from his typewriter. "HEY!" he shouted. "Who dares?" "Your wife, buster!" a female voice replied. Controversial Jack turned around. "Holy mother of dung beetles! It's my evil-wife-with-the-body-of-a-supermodel-and-the-head-of-an-anteater, Anatomically Incorrect Janine!" Anatomically Incorrect Janine nodded and laughed. "That's right, my spiky-haired husband. Now it is time for you to become one with the [NOOKIE]." "NO! Not the [NOOKIE]! Anything but the [NOOKIE]!" Controversial Jack hollered as he turned tail and fled. Anatomically Incorrect Janine snickered, then turned to her accomplice. "Remember. I want him alive." "Damn. Oh, okay. I'll have him by nightfall," Armpit-Noise-Making Peter stated. * He Ran This Way. he ran this way. hE rAn tHiS wAy. Then he just plain ran. He ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran. He ran so much that is legs had gone anaerobic and begun feuling themselves with that acid stuff that mucsles make when they don't get enough oxygen. After that they went superanaerobic and the muscles actually canibalized other muscles to fuel the bigger muscles so he could run more. After that he went in hyperanaerobic and his muscles canibalized his internal organs to keep up. By the time he reached Omnianearobic his heart had exploded and he had to stop for rest before he could realize he was supposed to be dead by then, so he died. Big whup. ****** Now back to.. uh.. whatever that guys name was... Sir Peter, Of the Timultuous Pit. Yeah, that works... well, Sir Peter was chasing Lord Jack of the Backward and Indignant Way by order of Lady Pretty Damned Ugly Jenine, or something like that. So, he chased him.. for a while, but he lost him when Lord Jack ran into an adult movie slash military surplus store. He just couldn't go in there. It wouldn't be ... uh.. froody? Yeah that works.... Well.. Sir Pete was chilling outside the store for say.. oh.. four days when Jack finally came out from hiding. "Aha! I've found thee! Thou shalt come to thine lady henceforth immediately or thou shalt pay the price of mine atrocious wrath!" He stabbed a finger toward Jack's general direction and flexed it so that it got that cool 'seething vibrating angry angry finger point' effect, then he took a look at what jack was wearing. "Hey, you're not jack... Who the hell are you??" "I'm Steve," said Steve. "..." Sir Pete ...'ed "Got any change?" Steve asked. "... Where's Lord Jack, sir Steve? Have you seen him? Four day's I've waited and four days he's not come tither from this ... establishment. Where has he gone?" "Humm... funny looking guy, about this tall, wears a tie and smiles a lot?" "YES!" "No idea who yer talking about." "..." Pete gave steve some change which he pocketed and brought out a note which he in turn handed to Pete. "To Pete," it said on the front. Pete opened it and read (duh). Hi Hi, I know you've been following me, so I ducked out in here for a few minutes and left out the back. Then I went home to Jenine. Turned her in to animal control as a wild Jabberwonky, ate dinner, rented a movie, baked a cake, went bowling, set 1000 captive white doves free at Los Angeles national airport on runway 37, and bought some dirty magazines which I left lying around junior high campuses. When I was all done I figured I'd stop by and get some surplus hand grenades for my upcoming cinco de mayo party at the governor's mansion but half way down the street I saw you STILL waiting here. Man, you really gotta mellow out! Signed, Jack P.S. While you were reading this I changed out of my Steve costume and used the change you gave me to call a taxi which is probably arriving right about...... now. "C'ya Pete!" Steve/Jack said over his shoulder as the convertible taxi driven by some guy with green hair and no license sped off. Pete looked up too late and ripped the paper to shreds before calming down and uttering a single syllable. "... fudge." ***** Yes, this was pointless and stupid. But who Gives a filleting Rats Patoot!? Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee- -eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! ***** John Smallberries surveyed his minions. Yes, it would be a grand conquest He groped the sceptor in his hands and spew forth the words that he knew would cause them to go into fits of rage against their foes. Yes, indeed it would be a grand conquest of the tenth dimension-- Oh wait... they were from the tenth dimension... uh...nevermind. ***** And lets not forget. That in that crashed ship from earlier in the story that just landed on someone who I currently can't remember the name of that in the cargo hold... people were having sex. ***** And now.. just because I thought it was cool..... ThwappaThwappaThwappaThwappaThwappaThwappaThwappaThwappaThwappaThwappa ThwappaThwappaThwappaThwappaThwappaThwappaThwappaThwappaThwappa ThwappaThwappaThwappaThwappaThwappaThwappaThwappaThwappaThwappaThwappaThwappa * Somewhere on the other side of the Fourth Wall, Impro's Least Contributing Author Noticed He Was Capitalizing Things Without Realizing It. He then shrugged and decided to derail the plot of Zeitgeist Eggbeater. <><><><><><> There was a well-known planet in the Bhadd Sector that was known to be a paradise. The reason for this was because it was one. Good reason, I know. Well, the way they had gotten to be a paradise was this: all the people had finally decided that they were sick of authority getting in the way of their being happy. So they had invited all of the government officials, supervillans, blah blah, on a free planetary cruise. Then they had had their ship shot down in the middle of nowhere. This was three months ago. Since there were mostly politician types on the cruise, the overall lack of survival abilities had left four survivors (there had been five til a minute ago, but who cares). This is their story. Hey, would you rather hear about a group of shipwreck survivors, or a planet that is now dedicated to wild orgies (and for some reason, milk)? No, I don't want an answer. <><><><><><> Sitting dejectedly around a fire where they were roasting the last bit of food on the entire damn desert planet they had ended up on were... Rear Admiral Pat Maicrotch: Formerly one of the highest ranking officers on The Nameless Planet With A Big X On It. Law Enforcement Commander Billy Clubber: Commonly known as "Oh, that idiot." Doctor Mike 'No-brainer' Litoris: A somewhat mad doctor. His brain is artificial. His back is spineless. Julian Shockwave XXXVI: A supermad scientist. Rumored to have some sort of weird furniture obsession. "We're gonna be doing some serious starving once this runs out," Admiral Pat whined. The fi- uh, four had been out of food for eight days. Of course, they had also been horny as hell for several weeks, but none of them were going to say so. No-brainer got the nerve to speak up. "Are you sure barbecuing Paul was such a good idea?" "Hey, he admitted he was horny. What else were we gonna do?" Pat replied, opening up No-brainer's head and tossing a used rib inside. "Quit using my skull for a wastebasket!!!" No-brainer yelled, wiping ketchup off of the circuit card inside his head. "Don' yell at thuh admrull!" Billy said after casually punching out the Doctor. Shockwave sighed. "I can't believe this. It's making me want to take off in the ship I put together." There was a deafening silence. Especially from the unconcious guy. Billy picked up Shockwave and shook him around. "WHEN YOU GET SHIP?!" "Remembertheexplosionwesawawhileback??" he said as if he was being shaken by a neandertal. "It was a ship being trashed. I gathered up the parts and reassembled it. There were only half as many as I needed, but then it blew up again..." "Take us there. Now. Or else." The admiral said politely. <><><><><><><> After an exciting trip through some mountains which I don't have tyme to type about, they came to the ship (even No-brainer, who was concious in time for the walk). It was... An exact duplicate of the Zeitgeist Eggbeater. "HA!!" the admiral HA!!ed, "Now we can get off this rock, and get revenge on the bastard who shot us down! Captain Timmy and his Ballcrusher WILL PAY!!!" "Shouldn't we get some food first?" No-brainer asked. "....OK. We eat, THEN we get revenge." Shockwave thought of something. "Don't we need to get some sex first?" There was agreement all around. "All right then, we eat, then we get off, THEN we get an unspeakable revenge! HWAAHWAAHWAA!" * ifprickas gorden arkelacye derivaetive ia ia cthulhu iddeas no woman no cry and a happy new year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111!!!! * And they all lived happily ever after. THE EVER-LOVING END * Meanwhile, the four AMS agents (remember them?) had managed to regroup. They were embroiled in a bitter argument about, naturally, what the hell went wrong. "Dammit," cursed, G, "that monstrosity's *gotta* have a weak point! They always have a weak point! Says so in the rules!" "Gee, I dunno..." murmured Gary, "looked pretty solid to me." "Balderdash, horsepucky and...some other word I can't say in public! Remember the Death Star? Remember how it was supposed to be completely indestructable? But it had this one..." "Actually," interrupted James. "the thermal exhaust port *was* ray shielded, so it wasn't *really* a weak point. The Empire just never figured on anyone being accurate enough to hit it with a proton torpedo. In fact, I think the movie illustrated this by..." "Oh, enough!" shouted an exasperated Tom R. "Right now, we need to find a way to destroy that thing. Now think, how do you destroy a massive battleship with no apparent weaknesses?" A few moments later, Gary said something he really shouldn't have. "Well, we could try attacking it with something more powerful than these six-shooters..." In a flash, Tommy had his gun pressed to Gary's head. "What was that, rookie?" "No, please, listen! I know these Guns of Fairness or whatever they're called are real cool, but that doesn't mean we can't use other weapons! I mean, if missiles and the like are what it takes, I think we should..." "Gary, let me make this very clear...*we* use pistols. *Cheap* agents use other weapons. We live by the pistol, and we die by the pistol, got it?" Gary wisely refrained from making any "especially the latter" comment and simply nodded. "Good." Just then, James' cell phone rang. "Hello. Hi! How are things...oh no. Oh no. You're kidding, right? Aw, jeez...yeah, we'll get there as soon as we can..." James hung up and turned to the group. "Harry and Amy are in trouble again." "What kind of trouble?" "You know...TROUBLE." Tom glanced heavenward. Third time in as many months... "Worthless bottom-feeding...*sigh*. All right, men, looks like the Ballcrusher will have to wait. Let's move." thought James as he followed the group. * "What the f*ck?" shouted JeffK (who managed to find his way home while everyone wasn't looking). JeffK's faithful roomie, BurtL, took a look. "The four AMS agents have to put off shooting at the Zelgust Ballcrusher 'cause they got something more important. What's the big deal?" "F*ck! I'll tell you what the f*cking deal is! This dumb*ss author wasted an ENTIRE f*cking segment on those pice of s*it agents, without adding a single f*cking thing to the story! What a b*t*h!" "Well, there has been a bunch of stuff going on, so if this one author wanted to focus on..." "F*ck focus! We're s*pposd to be finding out wh*t happened to C*pta*n Bastard, when the Zeitgeist E*gbeater is going to be f*xed or whatever, and what Cap T*mmy is going to do n*w that he thinks he's w*n! That kind of..." "Oh, and I suppose you can do better?" "Damn r*ght I c**ld do be*ter! I c*uld wr*te a bett*r p*rt in my sl*ep! H*ck, if I w*re DR*NK and asl*ep I could pr*b*bly..." Both of them paused. "JeffK...why are you putting asterisks in words that aren't swear words or anything?" "H*h? Aw*, g*ez...m* m*ther w*rn*d m* ab**t th*s..." Just then the third wall, enraged at the constant abuse his little brother had been receiving, burst into the room and began pummeling the crap out of JeffK. "Hey!" bellowed an indignant BurtC. "I thought we agreed on ONE savage beating a month!" Author's notes: Yeah, I wrote this. You got a problem with that, wiseguy? * Julian Shockwave thought hard. "Admiral, I just realized that we never came up with a name for this ship..." Admiral Maicrotch blinked like only an extremely food-and-sex-starved guy who was just told something totally pointless could. "All right then, I'll name it right now. It will be named after my mentor at the military academy! From now on, we are the crew of the Hugh G. Rection!!" <><><><><><><> And lo, NeoVid continued his streak of incredibly warped pun names. * "Sir? NeoVid is continuing his streak of incredibly warped pun names," Lieutenant Potato Salad grimly remarked. Baron Popcorn Kernels grimaced. "You know what needs to be done." There was a long pause. Lieutenant Potato Salad asked, "I do?" Baron Popcorn Kernels shifted in his throne. "Well, I was hoping that you did. I, for one, haven't a damn clue." "Me, neither." "I got an idea!" "Yes, sir?" "Let's go get ourselves some lap dances! My treat!" "YES, SIR!" */ \* The Hugh G. Rection took off. The Hugh G. Rection leapt into hyperspace. The Hugh G. Rection crash-landed on a planet. "SHIT!" Admiral Maicrotch cursed. "What planet is this?" Julian Shockwave referenced his computer. "According to this readout, this is the planet Pennywise, a planet inhabited only with women." "HOT DAMN!" they all yelled. At that moment, a group of scantily-clad Pennywiseans walked by and noticed the crew of the Hugh G. Rection. The crew noticed the gorgeous Pennywiseans as well. "MEN!" the Pennywiseans shouted. "WOMEN!" the crew of the Hugh G. Rection shouted. "HOORAY!" both Pennywisean and space traveller alike shouted as the Pennywiseans and the males glomped each other and began to... but you don't want to read about that. What? You DO? Okay, let me rephrase that last sentence. "HOORAY!" both Pennywisean and space traveller alike shouted as the Pennywiseans and the males glomped each other and began to... but I don't want to write about that. Nyeah. */ \* "I got it! We can have an 'Iori Yagami Ate My Balls!' match! Nuku-Nuku! Come in here at once!" */ \* Tune in next episode where Dan Hibiki and Lightning Satan team up to fight Bun-Bun and Sailor Back Hair! * "Whoo-hoo! Dan & Satan vs. Bun-squared and SBH, and that Iori Wants To Eat My Balls or something match! That Jack sure can book 'em, huh, Kaz?" "I don't want to talk about it." "Gee, Kaz, no need for..." "And don't call me Kaz, all right?" "Hey, chill, lady, all right? Um, where was I...oh yeah, Jack. Boy, that Jack is something else. Everything's changed since he took over. He doesn't run things like you did at all, huh, Kaz?" "I said, don't call me..." "I mean, just look at what that M guy's been doing lately. Now, if you'll remember, he was the one who got totally humiliated at one of those big Ultrarage events. But now Jack's all but given him the key to the Ultradome! It's just been win after win after win for his guys. I tell ya, Kaz, they didn't have a TENTH as much success when *you* were in charge." "And what...is...your...damn...point?" "Simply this. You left him in charge, presumably because he knew what he was doing...and he hasn't done a single thing that you'd approve of! The only possible reason you'd want him in charge is because he knows how to make a profit...and as often as not he doesn't even accomplish that! Really, Kaz, what the hell *were* you thinking?" "I...I..." "Oh, 'that is a secret', huh? Okay, what-ever. Seriously, though, what's the deal? First you tank to this jerk and sacrifice the league AND a bit of the godhead, then you fail to toss the bum when you get the chance, and if anything he's even more annoying now *without* the 15%-omnipotence! Honestly, you really ought to seek professional help. I can recommend..." "AAAARRGGHH!!!" [*thump* *rattle* *crash* *stompstompstompstompstompstomp*...] "What? What'd I say? What?" * From across the room, Lieutenant Potato Salad and Baron Popcorn Kernels watched in considerable amazement as "Kaz" (whom they didn't think anyone had the guts to call her) stormed out of the club. "What the hell was THAT all about?" queried the Lieutenant. "And what's she doing in a strip club, anyway?" "Ultra does strange things to people," consoled the Baron. "Baron...if I ever even *conside* joining that damn lunatic party, please...shoot me." "I hear ya." * [ Admin. Note : Do not abuse Zeitgeist and use it as a soapbox for any reason, or your account will be terminated. This is for fun and kicks, not to use as your personal spleen-venting system. Consider this the first and last warning. Now, on with the wackiness. -2f ] * The doctor looked over his shoulder nervously. "Are you sure we're allowed to do this?" The man wearing a trenchcoat and lederhosen nodded grimly. "But he said we weren't supposed to vent spleens here," the doctor squeaked nervously. "wE arE noT ventinG spleenS. wE arE removinG thiS man'S appendiX," the figure in the trenchcoat and lederhosen replied. The doctor nodded. "Oh... in that case," the doctor mused to himself. "This one has rather thick skin. Hand me my nine-iron." */ \* Back on Pennywise, every man and woman lit up a cigarette simultaneously, turned to his/her partner, and asked, "Was it good for you, too?" */ \* In an attempt to atone for his past sins, Captain Bastard joined a convent and became a nun. "Hail Mary, you son of a bitch!" Captain Bastard cried to a frightened- looking reverend. For the Captain, penance would not come easily. */ \* A man was walking his dog in the city on a moonlit night. "And so I said to her, 'I hope, for your sake, that that was his NOSE!'" Spike the dog said with a laugh. Ralph the human lauged. "Whoo! You have some interesting friends, Spike!" Ralph mentioned between laughs. Spike smiled as much as a dog could. "Yeah, well..." Spike mused. And then they both looked up. "Look! Up atop that building!" Ralph cried out. "It's Blanka!" Spike responded. "No! It's Milli from 'Milli Vanilli!'" They both gasped. "No! It's... it's... KABUKI WANKER!" */ \* Improfanfic is eternally ashamed to present to you... KABUKI WANKER Original concept started by someone who should be ashamed of himself This chapter written by another someone who should be ashamed of himself Proofread by a person who banged his head on the table no less than fourty times while proofreading */ \* Sergeant Whydidthechickencrosstheroad addressed the Kabuki Wanker, his gaze fixed upon a police file. "Thank the heavens you're here, Kabuki Wanker. Your arch-nemesis, Fondle-And-Grope Man, is back in town and up to his usual antics. We need you to..." Sergeant Whydidthechickencrosstheroad looked up and gasped. "HOLY BATSPIT!" he cried out. "Get away from there! No, don't! Stop that! Don't you have any sha... THAT'S OUR K-9 UNIT, YOU SICKO!" * Meanwhile, someone from Urusei Yatsura was having sex with someone from Oh My Goddess. And thousands of manga readers were shocked. (Although some hailed it as a welcome development.) * But that was not the end of it. Oh, no. For, you see, they started a revolution which shook all of animedom to its very foundation. Characters from each and every anime and manga started jumping to other animes and mangas to get some h-nookie. And then this idea caught on in American cartoons and comics. The nookie flowed like water. In a matter of weeks, every organism on the planet was getting some. And as they thrusted, and as they pulsated, and as they shimmied, they began to merge and combine. A few weeks later, there were no longer individual organisms. There was only one thick, globally-encompassing layer of organic matter, coated over the planet Earth. */ \* "...and that's where Spam comes from, little Timmy," Timmy's grandmother concluded. Timmy turned three shades of green and rushed to the nearest bathroom. "Yes," Timmy's grandmother cackled, rubbing her hands together. "Keep that up, my boy, and the lawn gnomes will be mine in no time! You hear me? MINE!" */ \* Doogie, Maggie, Fifi, Multa, Heidi, Fleg, Sluggy, Hoofie, Fakker, Cooj, Eh, Fuwa, Vamlar, Gwigger and Ipstein looked around. "Hey!" Gwigger shouted. "Anyone seen Zeeber?" Fuwa looked convinved at Gwigger. "Who's Zeeber?" he asked? Gwigger put his hands on his hips and harumphed. He scolded, "Cripes, Fuwa! He's the physical embodiment of 'Zeitgeist Eggbeater!'" Fleg laughed. "You mean that story actually has a PLOT?" Gwigger nodded. "And if we don't find Zeeber soon, who knows what will happen here?" "Gwigger's right!" Maggie replied. "We need to find Zeeber! But first, let's all have sex!" Heidi whapped Maggie in the back of her head. "Pervert!" she condemned her friend. "We're metaphysical entities! We don't have sex!" "I know, Heidi, but can we have it anyway?" "No, Maggie." "Please?" "No." "Pretty please?" "No." "Damn." * "...I feel neglected," Zeeber sighed. * "Dammit, enough with the stupid sex jokes already! They weren't funny the *first* bazillion times!" "Um, Zeeber, who are you talking to?" "Huh? Oh, I just...hey, aren't I supposed to be alone here?" Zeeber turned his head and found himself looking at an image he thought he'd never see again... "Captain Bastard! You're alive!" "Yep. Unfortunately, I'm some distance away right now, so this hologram is the best I can do for now, but I'm most definitely alive." "Oh, this is wonderful! My Captain is going to rescue me! Oh happy...er, you *are* going to try to rescue me, right?" "Oh, of course. I trust those meta-whatever-the-hell-they-are twerps about as far as I can blast them with a proton torpedo fired out of a BFG-9000. 'Sides, no one, but NO ONE, gets have my ship but me!" "Oh, this is...wait a minute, how do I know you're not a clone or impostor or something?" "What? How *dare* you make such an insinuation! Insult me again and I'll neglect to have you detailed!" "Ahh...that's the Captain Bastard I remember. Okay, just one more thing I gotta know...er..." Long pause. "Charlie? The American pilot?" "Alive." "Sophie?" "Alive." "Geese?" "Alive for now. Not so sure about his health." "Cobra?" "Alive." "Krizalid?" "We hear he's on his way." "Chizuru?? Christy?? Liv??" "They never died in the first place." "Oh, right." "Well, keep a stiff upper lip, ship. Gotta run." */\* "What?? Charlie's alive AGAIN??" roared the enraged commando. Unfortunately, he was camping in the middle of the forest, so no one heard him. And it's pretty stupid to get so worked up over a lousy Marvel vs. Capcom 2 article, anyway. Author's notes: An den Zebr wich wuz reely th Zeitgst Egbeater did sum crazy srta...*ahem*, what I meant was, thwap thwap thwappeta thwappa thwap thwappeta thwappeta thwap...ah, screw it. * */\* Lazarus Kayin, President for Life of the Zion Republic, read the data his efficient spy network sent him. His left eye twitche. "The Kabuki Wanker will not escape me this time..." he whispered, pressin the big red button on his desk. And in another part of the work, the sky seemed to split in half as the beam from the orbital colony laser streaked down, incinirating the entire continent right below it. The shaft continued on, boring right to the plant's core. And, erth explod. */\* Boom. */\* Autor's Nut: Go away. End of story. Happy now? BEEDA! * "Looks like Team Rocket is blasting off again!!!" Jessie and James squealed as the Earth went [boom]. Then they landed on a planet that went [BOOM], and got sent hurtling rather a farther distance away. Then they landed on planets that went [splort], [ZWOOPY], and [thwakkathwakkathwakkathwakkathwakkathwakka....] * * * * * "This is totally unacceptable!" squealed Constance Lovejoy, Head Mistress of the FCC. "By having two characters from a children's show land on that awful awful thwakkathwakkathwakkathwakka planet, we're subjecting children to things they SHOULD NOT SEE!" "You're so smart, mistress!" "QUIET, DOG! Go fetch the riding crop. I have an urge to tell those boys on Friends how bad they've been." * * * * * * * * * * 8** ******** * 88 8 8* *** ** * "Skipper, you're sitting on the keyboard again." "Never correct me, Magical Princess Poofy." Skipper sat back and ate some toast. "...dry toast?" "WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT CORRECTING ME?!" * Magical Princess Poofy had to think. What DID he say about correcting him? Then it struck her. Unfortunately, "it" was a falling cow. "...owwie," Magical Princess Poofy muttered. */ \* "You know, Jessie? Landing on the planet of the thwappathwappas was the best thing that ever happened to us," James sighed. "Mmmph," Jessie mmphed. "There's only one thing missing that would make it all perfect." "Mmmph." "Well, if you'd spit that lollipop out, I'd tell you." "Mmmm mmmph!" */ \* But it turned out that the REAL murderer was... * "...ADMIRAL MAICROTCH! I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING HERE!" The Admiral twitched at what he had walked in on. "Seems to me you're in the middle of a lot of things...." he mumbled. "I have something extremely important to tell you about, Julian, but... uh, since I'm sure you don't want to be... distracted, I'll save it. By the way.... remind me to try that later." He blinked then. "Except that... I don't think I could fit that there." * All right, a midget walks into a bar. The bartender says "Look, we don't serve midgets here." The midget gets flustered and doesn't know what to say. The bartender says "Look, you seem like a nice midget. Give me ten bucks and I'll make it worth your while." The midget tosses back a gin and tonic and says "You better pet him first, he looks mean." The bartender petted him. The midget growled. "NOW YOU'VE DONE IT!" he shouted as he transformed into Super Midget. But before Super Midget could extract vengeance, the scene changed. */ \* livE deman yug a devil ereht, sesupmoW ylliW eeW eht fo dnal eht nI eht pota mooD ytnioP, gniwolG fo eltsaC eht ni devil eH .kcirederF .sniatnuoM ytnioP, prahS "-fo ymra ym htiW" .dehgual eh "!ioh ioh ioh ioB" .degnahc enecs eht ,nialpxe dluoc kcirederF livE erofeb tuB */ \* "Why is the scene changing all the time?" Captain Bastard shouted. "Well," Ensign Not-Appearing-In-This-Fanfic answered, "The reason is-" Before he could finish, the scene changed. */ \* On the other side of the fourth wall, the Interrupting Cow continued to type. "Mooo," she remarked to herself, pleased. * "Hey, the one guy asked the other guy who was equally guy without being so much of a guy as the first guy because of his overly dominant guyness, by the way, he was a guy, "Wanna write for ZE?" "Not right now," said the other, less guy-like guy of the 2 guys, this was made possible largely due to the fact that they were both listening to Monty Python's Greatest Hits or some other such nonsense that really has no place here, but that's the point now, isn't it? Punctuation is a tool best used tosay things that you like about other people without actually meaning anything you say. Did I mention that I'm writing this backwards since I'm looking at it in a miror as I write. This is all very interesting, I'm sure. What? it's not? Damn. Never mind then.... S S D Is that interesting? C C O By the Way, some guy on the CD just O O O told his friends to eat him... but O O O he's got a gummy leg and so they B B O want to each johnson... but he's Y Y O not kosher.. looks like they'll O have to order Chinese... O O O This mouse sucks, said me. For I am the one who doesn't like this mouse. It's got a whack Ball Thingee(tm)that is way over sensitive and stuff, did I mention it's red? I dun like red. Me no likee. Green is much better. The Pygmies of Beckles Volume Eight was just randomly mentioned, as you can see. But I can't buy that book, it's torn. I think I'll go to Denny's and read about Ethel the Aardvark. Cool, he found my book... Man, he's happy about that to bad i'm broke.. He's cool though, wow! He bought my book. But.. But.. But.. I'm illiterate! Oh, what a nice man he is. He's reading for me.. O wait, I'm writing this instead of thinking this.. hmm should I post this... I wont push the button. So if someone pushes the button it wasn't me. Blah blah blah blah. * "Cheesus RICE! Got All Muddy! Can you believe these idiots?" Captian Twinky Bastard yelled, remembering to avoid swear words, since he'd found religion. "Uhhhhmmmm... no, sir?" one of the crew guessed. Captain Bastard shot him. "It was a reticle question, retard!" "Don't you mean 'rhetorical?'" The Captain shot that guy also. "As I was sayin, we been goin nowhere! We've gotta Do Something... and NOW!!! I say we go after that Tinny guy, there's some other goons out to get him that we can use! Then we kill those guys for ripping off my ship's looks!" "When are we going to start, sir?" Captain Bastard blinked. "Dunno. Whenever some writer gets around to it, I guess." * [20:42] Scene 1: The vending machine strikes. [20:42] Scene 2: Sex. [20:43] Scene 3: The dog jumps over the chasm and the helicopter gunship explodes. * "Holy underwear, look at that!" Extra #47-B exclaimed from his post. "What the f- uh.... what is it?!" Captain Bastard asked remembering his new found religion. On the screen appeared two enormous looking cantalopes. "Do they mean us harm?" Tactical Official Mr. Bubble asked. "I... don't know... I just really don't know... I really mean to say I really just don't know etc. etc." Captain Bastard fell off into a tangent. "Oh no! The Captain has fallen off into a tangent! What ever are we to do?" Extra #53-F cried out as an errant stage light fell from above and crushed in his skull. "Oh shit! One of the extras died! We're all really screwed now!" Mr. Bubble exclaimed. ~!@#$%^&*()_+ The giant cantalope opened up revealing a squishy tasty inside and sucked into them the known universe. The known universe was very displeased by this. ~!@#$%^&*()_+ Somewhere in the cargo room of sex a man shouted, "Hey keep this fucking ship steady I'm trying to get blown here." ~!@#$%^&*()_+ Captain Bastard after losing all grip on the world of reality wandered aimlessly around the bridge, talking to imaginary visions. "Maybe we should put him somewhere," Extra #94-R stated as a rabid hamster brust into the bridge and slash open his torso, thus disarming him. ~!@#$%^&*()_+ In the land af La La Captain Bastard talked to his long lost Uncle Herbert for a sustained period of time. * Oh look at me! I am writing for ZE! WEEEE! Wait a second, that rhymed I am rhyming! Crap gotta go make dinner! Be back soon! * Quick! While he's making dinner! Shove socks in all of his shoes so that they don't fit any more! BWA HA HA HA HA HA! * Oh yeah? Boys, get the super soakers loaded with the green ketchup. * *GASP* "Green Ketchup? I've never heard of such a thing! Green Catsup sure, but never in Ketchup form!" Captain Bastard, attempting to get himself involved in the story once more, exclaimed. "Ensign Whateveryournameis look into this imediately! And by imediately, I mean finish your capachino first." "Sir you misspelled cap-" "I know that, really I do. It's just, you know, troubled childhood and all." "Yes sir, we've all heard your long winded stories. But back to the Green Ketchup mystery. It appears to be an anomoly appearing only inside this giant grapefruit." In the back, near the glowing green exit sign one of the engineers spoke up "wasn't it a cantalope?" Captain Bastard promptly shot him. dead. * JOEL(pointing): Oh, that's nice, someone gave him a gun. SERVO: Guess "cantalope" was the magic word. CROW(Bastard): Guns don't kill people... but *I* do! * te ZE shook adn poeple went flying all over the place . "CAptain" someon shouted!!! "its' horrible!!!" "WHAT!" captain Basta5rd roraed.. 'what's happening" he asked? 'wE'VE BEEN MISTED!" * CROW: Whoops. Spotted. SERVO: Quick! To the exits! JOEL: Guys... * menawhile in the cargo room peple were having sex and kyo kusnaagi got hit by a giant tampon and died ha ha stupid kyo * ~/o Thwappathwappathwappathwappathwappathwappathwappathwappathwappathwappa! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Thwappathwappathwappathwappathwappathwappathwappathwappathwappathwappa! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! o/~ * MEANWHILE... There was a string of ZE segments that made about as much sense as a screen door on the space shuttle. But that was normal. And the Black Wyvern of Armorica threatened to do a 130k segment that would develop all the characters, give depth to the plot, and define the series for years. Fortunately, Bwah never got around to doing it. * SERVO(porn riff): Bwah-bwah-bwahbwah-BWAH-bwah-BWAH-BWAH-bwah... CROW: Nobody's given depth to the plot? Bwah-t's the problem? JOEL: *Guys*... *** "I mean it, guys!" Cleo piped, dragging Alex and Yoshi towards a door marked "Studio Entrance - ZE". "*This* is the exposure we need to be stars again!" Yoshi's eyebrow raised. "What kind of... exposure... are we talking about?" he asked dryly. "Shut up," Alex muttered unhappily, his arms crossed as Cleo dragged him and Yoshi through the door. *** "Captain!" Extra #94-Q called. "What's this screen door doing on the ship?" Captain Bastard shot him. "Man, looks like *someone*'s having a bad day," Extra #92-C whispered to #97-P. "Shh!" Extra #97-P whispered back. *** "Miss Tron!" Servbot #27 called out. "We've located the plot of Zeitgeist Eggbeater!" "Terrific!" Tron Bonne said, clapping her hands together. "Let's go get it! Prepare the Gustaff for launch!" "Yes, Miss Tron!" *** "Ahhhh!" Kyo Kusanagi said, sitting down in a booth in the corner of the diner to eat his dinner. "This'll be good." He took the top half of the bun off of his burger and picked up the bottle of kethup next to him. He had almost put a bit onto his bun when he looked at the bottle for the first time. It was green. Kyo stared at the green ketchup. The green ketchup stared back. The two stared at each other. "NOW!" the ketchup yelled. "Wha?" Kyo said. A jar of jelly sitting on the table opened itself and sucked Kyo into it with a loud slurp. "*urp*" the jar said. *** "Captain, I'm beginning to think that the Infinite Improbability Drive is around here somewhere," Extra #867-5309-J said. Captain Bastard promptly shot him. "OW!" Extra #867-5309-J yelled. Captain Bastard shot him again. "OW! HEY" Captain Bastard shot him five more times. "OW! CHRIST! STOP IT!" "Ensign!" "Yes?" "Why isn't he *dying*?" "That's #867-5309-J, sir. He'll never die." "...oh." *** CROW, SERVO, JOEL (singing): I CAN NEVER DIE! I CAN NEVER DIE! I CAN NEVER DIE! I CAN NEVER DIE! I CAN NEEEEVER... DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE! *** "Chickens," Heavy D! said, shaking his head. * "There can be only one," #867-5309-J said as he drew his broadsword. "What the Fuck!" said everyone else. "BANG!" said Captain Bastard's gun. "OW!" said #867-5309-J. **** What followed next was later cut due to budget restraints. (Read: Threats of pertinent doom.) **** CROW: I am Conner McCloud of the clan McCloud. JOEL: *GUYS!* * "Wow, people are actually doing something that resembles a coherent story in ZE all of a sudden," said NeoVid. *SNAP* said what was left of NeoVid's grip on reality. <><><><> TOM: "That was ripped off from Super-Deformed Newbie," the MSTers said. <><><><> "*I* will do a 130k episode that defines the series! MWAAAHAAAHAAA!" NeoVid said, since he was slightly more crazed than usual. "Now... I'll just have to... uhh... think of one... aw hell, this is too damn hard. I think I'll tell Mick Foley anecdotes... OOO! SHINY OBJECT!" <><><><> CROW: Dear god, we have ZE SI. * SERVO(Thomas Wilde): It's a trap. Get the axe. JOEL: Servo... *** "Well," the MMK thought to himself, *** SERVO: And who the hell is *that*? JOEL: They're coming out of the woodwork as we speak. CROW: I *knew* we should have sprayed for 'em. *** "Hey," the MMK thought to himself, again, "I'm being MSTed." *** CROW: Sorry. SERVO: Our bad. JOEL: Continue. *** "Hey," the MMK thought to himself, this time starting over on his first thought, "nobody's doing a 130k epic... but I can do a *1.30k* epic! *Yeah*!" There was a pause. "Oh, yeah. Right. The existing storyline! Forgot about that." *** "Perhaps we would like to talk this over," Captain Bastard suggested. "NO!" #867-5309-J (nee Extra) yelled. "THIS IS YOUR FINAL JUDG-" Captain Bastard shot him again. "OW! CHRIST!" "Still doesn't work, huh?" Captain Bastard asked. "NO! STOP TRYING THAT, ALREADY! AND AS I WAS *SAYING* BEFORE I WAS RUDELY *INTERRUPTED*, THIS IS YOUR FINAL *JUDGEMENT*! PREPARE TO DIE, BASTARD!" #867-5309-J screamed as he readied his sword. "DID YOU JUST CALL ME A BASTARD?" Captain Bastard yelled. #867-5309-J's sword faltered. "Uhm... no, actually. I, uhm, was calling your name as a way of showing my anger." "Oh," Captain Bastard said. There was a pause. "Why?" he asked. "Well... you know... 'cause it's Standard Operating Procedure. You know, like if your name was 'Joe', I'd yell 'PREPARE TO DIE, JOE!'" "Why?" "Because I'm supposed to! You *always* yell the name of your hated enemy before you attack them!" "You do?" "*Yes*, you do! Like that scene from Ninja Scroll where Jubei sees Gemma and he yells 'GEEMMMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!' Like that, see?" "Oh. Well, okay. Where were we?" "Well, I was just about to charge at you with my sword." #867-5309-J readied his sword for emphasis. "Oh! Okay. Okay, ready." "Okay." #867-5309-J drew a breath. "PREPARE TO DIE... *CAPTAIN* BASTARD!" #867-5309-J charged. Captain Bastard leapt out of the way. #867-5309-J went headfirst through the screen door and out into space. And the Zeitgiest Eggbeater became ten pounds heavier from the large sweatdrops everyone suddenly had. *** JOEL: Well, now, *that*'s how you end a plotline. CROW: Yeah. That's how they should have solved most of MGH's plot problems. SERVO: What, by throwing half the cast into outer space where their bodies float there for eternity? JOEL: Hey, it worked for getting rid of that blonde guy from Macross Plus. SERVO: Point. CROW: Hey, I liked that blonde guy! He had charisma. SERVO: Charisma? He looked like a high-school chemistry teacher. JOEL: Yeah, hey, he looked like the kind of person you'd see at a Matchbox 20 concert. SERVO: He looked like Charles Mander. JOEL: Heh heh. CROW: I *liked* Charles Mander! SERVO: *You* liked *Lungfish* *Alpha*. CROW: Well... *still*... *** "Captain, we're being MSTed again," Extra #104-K pointed out. "IT MATTERS NOT!" Captain Bastard said dramatically. "We must now continue on our great mission!" "What *was* our great mission, sir?" Extra #104-K asked. There was silence on the deck as everyone thought this over. Then Captain Bastard shot him dead. *** SERVO: Well, he deserved that. JOEL(Italian accent): Ours is not-a to question "why"... *** "Perfect!" the MMK thought. "Now I can... what was I going to do?" *** SERVO:(Homer): D'OH! JOEL: It's probably better this way, anyway. CROW(Lynxara): So what's on RAW? JOEL: *Crow*... * Extra 64-1a promptly rose with his arm raised way up high and yelled like a fourth grade teacher's pet, "ooh! ooooooh! Captain! Captain, over here!" The rest of the bridge crew equally promptly sighed... even the dead ones. ***** CROW(deadcrewman): "Oops! Maybe I should keep playing dead..." SERVO(Bastard): Shuttup, you! *BLAM!* **** ...which were possibly even moreso promptlyl shot again. Cpt. Bastard promptly sighed after reholstering his gun. "Yes, what is it, Private- uh.. Private--" "64-1a, Bastard, sir," supplied extra 99s-2. "ARE YOU CALLING ME A BASTARD?!" "No, sir! I was just sayiBLURSTCH," he said was he was shot. "No, what is it, Private 64-1a?" "Our Mission, Sir!" "What about it?" "Our mission is to boldly go where no man has gone before!" "huh?" "To seek out new life and- *BLAM!* "I am *NOT* going ANYWHERE near Montana." **** JOEL(Bastard): The Cows! The Cows, I say!! SERVO&CROW: Mooooo--- JOEL(Bastard): *BLAMBLAM!* **** "Uh, Sir, I don't think that's what he meant-" *BLAM!* **** JOEL(Bastard): I'm not going *THERE* either! CROW(Grandma): But I thought you liked Grandma? SERVO(Grandma): Oh come on now, give us a kiss-- JOEL(Bastard): *BLAM!* *BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM!* **** * "Eheh... sir, you found religion a while ago, right?" Captain Bastard didn't shoot that guy. "Yeah. Why?" "Uh... did it say anything about not killing people?" *BLAM* "I didn't read that far." <><><><> JOEL: Sadly, we did read this far. <><><><> NeoVid gave himself another line of dialogue. "Keep riffing me and I'll change your Joel into the Joel from the GMCA... you know, the one who Satan thinks is a sick bastard?" <><><><> <><><><> "That's better," NeoVid said. He left again, muttering something about only having twenty lines to write on with a Lynx net connection. * This fic doesn't have enough referrences to penises. * "Uh... sir- NO DON'T SHOOT!- There appears to be a giant penis inside this... cantalope." The Unnumbered Extra... said. "Put it up on screens!" Captain Bastard commanded. "I can't, sir-" The Unnumbered Extra was shot. Dead. "Why the heck can't he?!" Bastard exclaimed remembering his unnamed religion. "Well- DON'T SHOOT ME PLEASE!- The view-screen has been given a PG rating, sir. It is far to low to display anything as graphic as a giant penis." The extra cringed. "THAT SUCKS!?!?!?!?!!!?!?!!??????????!!!!?!?!??!?!?!" Bastard screamed out in a statement that hed no questionable intent and thus made the overuse of exclamation points entirely unnecessary. He also didn't shoot the extra. ~!@#$%^&*()_+ The universe (cantalope and all) spontaneously collapsed as a result of bad planning on the part of Bill. No one had foreseen that Captain Bastard might fail to shoot an extra and thus disarm the balance of time/space and cause lots of brain tumors and stuff to cows. Oh look a cracker has fallen from it's cracker perch and landed on the floor. It is my destiny to rescue this cracker and return it to the slimy bowels of my innards. Bill had overlooked the possibility of Bastard not shooting the extra and failed to make a contingency plan in case of the... ~!@#$%^&*()_+ JOEL: I really don't think this author knows where he's going with this. CROW: Yeah, screw this change the channel. ~!@#$%^&*()_+ *CLICK* "Hey Butthead, check it out! It looks like this cracker has boobs! Heh heh m heh." "Beavis, you dumbass" *SMACK* *CLICK* "Buy this stuff!" ~!@#$%^&*()_+ SERVO: Oh look, stuff! JOEL: No more Home Shopping, Servo. Last time I tried that I ended up with you two. CROW: You suck, Joel, you really do. ~!@#$%^&*()_+ *CLICK* "-More use of the word penis-" *CLICK* "-duck-" *CLICK* "-fly-" *CLICK* "-er-" *CLICK* "-ip-" *CLICK* ~!@#$%^&*()_+ JOEL: Damn it Servo! Give me the remote. You guys are real goat fuckers. Back to the movie. CROW: Fuck you, Joel. SERVO: Yeah, blow me. * "Sir, I'm detecting a signal piggy-backing our comm-lines, Sir!" The bridge tech who said this wasn't shot. Instead it was the person to his left. "Damn, I must be losing my touch," the captain said, holstering his weapon and staring at his hands in wide-eyed disbelief. "Uh.. Thank you, sir?" "SHUT UP!" "Or what, you'll shoot me?" *BLAM!* Another extra died of a mortal gunshot wound to the larynx. However, it wasn't the right one... "Oh, no! Whats happening to me?" Bastard err.. *Captain* Bastard sat disheveled in his command chair, eyes still filled with genuine terror. "Ahem. As I was saying, we appear to have someone broadcasting over us on our comm systems... Instructions, Sir?" "..." "Sir?" *BLAM!* The Extra dropped. Captain Bastard put down his new and improved gun complete with laser site for easy targeting and let out a long sigh of contentment. The other extras would've probably clapped, but they'd recently discovered the value of not having any involvement in this particular story. "Now that thats taken care of," he stood afront the view screen, which was now devoid of any phallicies whatsoever and uh... stood. "Show me the comm pirates..." ***** (somewherecompletelydifferent) JOEL: Hey, pass the syrup, would ya? CROW: NO! It's *my* syrup! I want it! SERVO: Buahahahaaa! I've done it! No one can resist my syrup recipe! The world with tremble before Auntie Servo's Maple Syrup! JOEL & CROW: ... JOEL: He's got syrup... CROW(licking his lips... kinda): ssssyyyyyyyyrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuupp.... SERVO: Uh.. Guys? JOEL & CROW: ssssyyyyyyyrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup.... SERVO: Guys?? BASTARD(bursts in): WAASSSSSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP! *BLAM!* *BLAM!* JOEL: syrr- *BLAM!* CROW: -uuupp *BLAM!* Bastard: [cackles maniacly while heading off set] * EPILADY: Having freed the universe from a clever comedian and his robot sidekicks, Captain Twinky Bastard felt that his mission in life was complete. "My mission in life is complete," he stated proudly to himself. "Also, I have a SUV-sized boner." So Captain Bastard returned to Earth and became a nun. He was known as Sister Rampant Fornication, and he resided with other nuns in the House of St. Ichiiro Kantan, star of the most well-written piece of fanfiction of ALL TIME. Oops. I said that out loud, didn't I? Things like that happen when my antipsychotics run low. Oooh... look at the pretty colors. Oh. Where was I? Oh, yeah... the nuns... One fine day, Sister Rampant Fornication was walking in the courtyard when he spotted Sister Cyan Prozac. "Greetings, Sister Cyan Prozac," Sister Rampant Fornication said with a smile. "How fare thee on this fine day of the year 2000, which is not the end of the millenium, but most people do because they like to throw big drunken orgies?" Sister Cyan Prozac replied, "I am faring well today, thank you very much. I just came back from confession and was assigned 4 rosaries, 12 Hail Marys and 34 minutes of Dr. Laura screaming, 'WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!?' at the top of her lungs. How fare thee on this fine day, Sister Rampant Fornication?" Sister Rampant Fornication let out a depressed sigh. "I am in a state of distress," she answered. "Oh? What ails you, my sister?" Sister Cyan Prozac asked, visibly concerned. Sister Rampant Fornication sighed and responded, "Well, I find myself afflicted with an SUV-sized boner on this fine day." "I see," Sister Cyan Prozac said with a nod. Sister Rampant Fornication continued, "I was wondering if I could ask a favor of you." "What is it that you need?" Sister Cyan Prozac asked. Sister Rampant Fornication answered, "I need you to accomany me to the nearest broom closet. Once there, I will need for you to remove all of your clothing and let me caress you. After that, I will take off all of my clothing while you caress me. Once this is done, we will have to fornicate with the passion and ferocity of love-crazed weasels. Do you think you can help me?" Sister Cyan Prozac nodded. "I will do what I can, Sister," she replied. So Sister Rampant Fornication and Sister Cyan Prozac walked inside the nearest broom closet and engaged in a variety of acts of joyous fertility. And they lived happily ever after. */ \* Several animals were harmed in the making of this piece of fanfiction. Heck, we couldn't wait until we started writing, so we were poaching left and right WEEKS before "Zeitgeist Eggbeater" was even begun. And now that this chapter is over, we're going to take our grenade launchers and gun down some elephants. ...oh, yeah, right. Like YOU'RE perfect. * Mwah ha ha, Alas it was not the ending... only the intermission... So head on down to the snack bar and blow all your cash! Our cashiers are now specially equipped to accept souls as a form of currency so go down, pay them a visit, and spend the rest of eternity in the fiery pits of Delaware! o/~ Let's go out to the snack bar, Let's go out to the snack bar, Let's go out to the snack bar, And have ourselves some over priced popcorn with imitation butter and artificial salt by-products! o/~ * A man in a fancily decorated space costume visited a lone nun in her chamber. "Bastard we have-" The man began as he burst into the room without even pausing to open the door first. "Did you just etcetera etcetera!" Sister Rampant Fornication exclaimed in a tone of voice not unlike that of a pissed off drunk. "Uh... no sir, I meant to say, Captain Bastard, we have-" "That's not my name." said the pissed off drunk. "-an important mission- what?" "That's not my name. If you want to talk to me you must use my saintly name." "Sir, I do think you're taking this whole finding religion thing a bit far..." "I'm not listening..." "Very well, Sister Rampant Fornication, we have-" "Yes? What is it?" "We have an important mission for you. Some of the authors are unsure of-" "I'm retired now." "-whether or not- WHAT?" "I'm retired now. No more secret mission for me thank you. I have devoted myself to my faith. Besides space travel ruins your skin." "But Captain, you are-" "I'm not listening." "Sister, you must help us. You are the only one qualified for this mission of mass importance." "That's not _my_ fault. It sounds like bad planning on your part." "Yes well, we do realize that now. But if you'll just come with-" "I can't, I have an appointment." "An appointment?! You're a fucking nun!!" "When you swear in the house of the lord, you are swearing at God himself." "Fuck God! We need you, not God!" "Don't need God?!?! _Everyone_ needs a little God in their lives. I keep mine under my pillow." Sister Rampant Fornication lifted up his pillow to show the unnamed crewman. "But sir,-" "Look, you're lucky I'm with God now other wise you would've been shot a page and a half ago!" "Yes, Sister, but you don't understand the galaxy _needs_ you!" "The galaxy can wait; I'm off to fuck a nun." With that Sister Rampant Fornication made his exit. The unnamed crew sat on the bed defeated. "Wait a second, he's off to what?!" From beneath the pillow a little voice said in an overly cute way, "He said, he was going to-" "I know what said! But since he _did_ say that it means he's not lost to us yet!" "Us? When did I become a part of this?" The little God asked. "No, I meant us as in the crew of the Zeitgeist Eggbeater." "Oh, well quit being so vague with your pronouns. And what's with this dialogue? There aren't enough he/she said's. Who knows who the hell is saying what?" ~!@#$%^&*()_+ The author sitting quietly in his chamber of DEATH! Took a second look at the preceding dialogue. "Oh crap, they're onto me!" And off he ran. * See? Someone's writing something. ElRutt's evil plot worked. * How can you say it's working? I'm the one wrote the last two parts after woofer. You are crazy man. -ELRutt * I meant ME, you lugan. -NeoVid "The process of making cheese is called 'noselling.'" * By the way, just for future referrance the evil plan being discussed in the preceding parts is from a series of message board post that I will sum up for you. ELRutt: Blah, blah, blah. Nobody loves me. Oh woe is me. Why did Woofer have to go and end ZE like that? Boo hoo hoo. etc. W4: I didn't end shit, you jackass. It's fucking chibi, throw whatever you want into it. Neovid: Bitch, bitch, bitch. W4: Fuck you, Neovid. John Evans: Duh, I'm too dumb for chibi. W4: Shut the fuck up, you stupid piece of shit. ELRutt: Ha ha! I'm evil. Blah, blah. I just wanted you to write for ZE! Other non-sensical bullshit. ELRutt: Even more bullshit. There you are a summary of sorts, now fuck off. * OK, OK, back to the... uh, ummmmmmmmm... hell, I can't think of a word besides 'normal,' so I'll go with that. <><><><> "HEY!" the minigod under Sister Inappropriate Name's pillow said, "I DEMAND more characterization!!!!" <><><><> JOEL: He asked for it. <><><><> Why yes he did. <><><><> PRESENTING................. * CROW: Why was there a break THERE? <><><><> I was testing my password. <><><><> ALL: OH. <><><><> ahem. PRESENTING....... ------------------------------------ THE ADVENTURES OF GOD-KUN! ------------------------------------ today's episode: God-Kun Meets Akuma the Happy Kender! <><><><> The kawaii little SD Lord of All Creation (no, the universe, not the Limit Break) was happily traveling through a city he had wanted built, when something just slightly amiss came to his attention. He watched a little short guy in a black martial arts uniform throw a red fireball at a gas station. As the kawaii gigantic fireball jumped toward the sky, the short guy went skipping off. God-kun was somewhat perturbed. "Hey scumbag! You can't just blow stuff up like that in MY dimension! If you wanna do that, get your own, Medarnit!!" The short, redhaired guy ignored him, and Dragon Punched an old lady across the street. "LISTEN, YOU LUGAN!!!!" The little guy went into a hospital, and old sick people started flying out the windows. "OK, that's it." As the short guy came out of the hospital, God-kun hit him below the belt. With a lightning bolt. "OK, you goon, I'm going to shove my foot so far up your ass you'll be coughing up Holy Radiance!" ------------------------ possibly to be continued. ------------------------ TOM: Most likely by Dr Thinker. * i highly be think not! he hee thinker too smart for ZE. *** Hey! Whoa! That unintentionally rhymed! Coolness! It's a Thinker Homage Poem! *That*'s a first! I deserve a medal of some kind. No, as a matter of fact I am specifically *not* thinking of the Purple Heart. You put that down. ^_^ *** Oh, *yeah*! The *story*. Right. The one with the fight between the Happy Kender and the unlisted Religimon with the... erm... rather interesting speech pattern. ^_^ *** The kawaii little SD Lord of All Creation (no, the universe, not the Limit Break) was happily traveling through a city he had wanted built, when something just slightly amiss came to his attention. He watched a little short guy in a black martial arts uniform throw a red fireball at a gas station. As the kawaii gigantic fireball jumped toward the sky, the short guy went skipping off. God-kun was somewhat perturbed. "Hey scumbag! You can't just blow stuff up like that in MY dimension! If you wanna do that, get your own, Medarnit!!" The short, redhaired guy ignored him, and Dragon Punched an old lady across the street. "LISTEN, YOU LUGAN!!!!" The little guy went into a hospital, and old sick people started flying out the windows. "OK, that's it." As the short guy came out of the hospital, God-kun hit him below the belt. With a lightning bolt. "OK, you goon, I'm going to shove my foot so far up your ass you'll be coughing up Holy Radiance!" The little redheaded man grunted something and hopped away, heading towards a large building across the street where a little old man was being dragged out the door by two burly security men. "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to leave. Counting cards is not permitted here," one of the men said as he not-quite-accidentally dislocated the old man's shoulder while dragging him by the arm. "But I'm just a kindly old man!" the old man, who was indeed kindly, protested. "Have pity on me, please..." The two security men pulled out guns and pointed them at the old man. "No," one said. Akuma the Happy Kender found this to be a very cruel thing to do. To make things better again he tore a leg off of one of the security men and used it to bludgeon them both to death, so as to show them that it was very rude to disrespect your elders. God-kun stared at this with open-mouthed shock. Which quickly turned to flapping-mouthed anger. "Hey!" he yelled. "Don't do that to them! Don't you know that it took me seven *days* to get those guys right? Ooh, if only I had my Godly Guitar with me, I could make everything better..." God-kun sat on the curb of the street and was very sad. Akuma the Happy Kender finished with his wholesome work and turned to the old man. "hmmf," he said. The old man began backing away. "Now, sonny, that's alright. I never really liked that casino anyway." {CASINO... CASINO... CASINO... CASINO...} Many coloured shadows of a body with a large onion on its shoulders floated by God-kun's head as his former teacher's words came back to him. "Dojo... casino... it's all in the mind..." God-kun hopped up to his feet and was happy again. "Yes! That's right! My Godly Guitar is in my *mind*!" God-kun ran over to the grisly scene and grabbed the disembodied leg of the former security man. The leg promptly fuzzed out and took on the shape of a guitar. God-kun strummed his imaginary strings and struck a pose. "Leave it to... GOD-KUUUUUUUUUN!" The entire scene went two dimensional, froze, and disappeared, being replaced by a cute "Now Loading" screen featuring the pool of security person blood forming the "Now Loading" message and then reforming into a pool of blood. *** ______________ | | |______________| _ ___ __ _ _ N W AD G . | |______________| NOW LOADING... _ ___ __ _ _ N W AD G . | |______________| ______________ | | |______________| _ ___ __ _ _ N W AD G . | |______________| *** The scene came back up, showing the Happy Kender and the disembodied-leg- shaped-like-a-guitar-playing God-kun dancing to a happy upbeat extremely-rhythmic background tune while the two-dimensional figures of the old man and the two security corpses danced behind them and the words "COOL", "GOOD", "BAD" and "AWFUL" floated next to them. A narrator who happened to be conveniently nearby, but not conveniently visible, began singing. Narrator: ~/o It's time for a story 'bout a Happy Kender / / who was neither a borrower 'nor a lender / / he kicks some ass to show folks what's right / / But he won't kick yours if you win this fight! / / So let's see just how well you can play / / and if you do well, then he'll go away / / grab your Godly Guitar, God-Kun, and start / / and take the advice he gives to heart! o/~ A small purple bar with an X on it began floating above their heads, followed by a green bar with an X on it in the same place. A little Akuma head floated over the purple bar, and when it went over the the X: Akuma the Happy Kender: ~/o Hmph! o/~ The head turned to a cute God-kun head when it hit the green bar, and when it went over the X God-kun played his disembodied bleeding leg-guitar: God-kun: ~/o (F) o/~ The bars came again, this time each with two X's on them. Akuma the Happy Kender: ~/o Hmph! Shoush! o/~ God-kun: ~/o (F) (F) o/~ The bars came again, this time with an X and an O. Akuma the Happy Kender: ~/o Shoush! Ent! o/~ But God-kun made a mistake! ~/o (E) [C] o/~ Oh, no! God-kun has almost dropped down from "GOOD" to "BAD"! The bars now have an O and an X on them! Hopefully God-kun can recover from his mistake! Akuma the Happy Kender: ~/o Ent! Hmph! o/~ Oh, *no*! God-kun made another mistake! ~/o (A) [C] o/~ Oh, *no*! God-kun dropped down to "BAD"! Now the old man has stopped dancing, and the two guards are shooting at poor God-kun! This could b- *** "I CAN'T *BEAT* THIS FUCKING LEVEL!" Sister Rampant Fornication screamed, throwing her controller full-force into the television screen and shattering it into a whole buncha pieces. "See?" the unnamed crew member said to nobody in particular as he watched through the window. "It's still him!" *** JOEL: Hey, author-person, what are you *doing* with this? TOM: *Yeah*! Let's hear what's going on in that... *active* little mind of yours! *** Oh... well... you know. Stuff. ^_^ *** CROW: You know, the *problem* with spare time is that *this* guy has too much to spare! TOM: Yeah! He should be giving some of it to charity! He doesn't need it all! CROW: He should start a foundation! TOM: Give some to those who need it! CROW: Probably won't, the selfish bastard... JOEL: Guys... * If Thinker never writing for EZ, I just trying to imitatte his! <><><><> TOM: This...is going to get ugly. JOEL: Very ugly. CROW: Face-dipped-in-toxic-waste-then-belt-sanded ugly. <><><><> The Sistor Fonitication Show will never seeing tonight, now brigning you special broadcast! <><><><> God-kun had decided that stopping the Happy Kender would take some real heroes... people who could be truly counted on if he trusted mankind (or even Dude Love) to their care.... Instead, he got these guys. * <><><><> "Feel the fully morally justified wrath of Boyscoutman, evil type!" "I'll let you go first, Boyscoutman." "Thanks, Politeman!" "You're welc-" "Messatsu..." "Now now, you shouldn't interrupt when OH DEAR GOD IT BURNS IT BURNS HELP I'M LOSING BLOOD UUUURRRGGGgggg...." "Well, that was a bad idea," God-kun said, unnecessarily. <><><><> TOM: You said it, not me. <><><><> Staying tuned for ever epsiode of 'Teh God-chan Adventres!' Narrates by any someone who typed justm like Thinker! * Meanwhile, far far away, a mugger made a terrible mistake. "Gimme your wallet!" he yelled, pointing his gun at a spiky-haired man. The man gave him a mean mean nasty Jeet Kune Do stare in return. The mugger declined the option of dropping his gun and fleeing in terror, which was his second terrible mistake in sixty seconds. "C'mon, punk! Hand it ov-" "OOOOOOOOOOOOWAAASHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" And so it was that they never managed to remove the mugger from the wall. * But, hey, enough about me. * SERVO: Oh, shut up. * "I'm bored," Sister Rampant Fornication complained, stomping around his chamber. "This sucks." He threw the cigar he was chewing out the window. *** "Ah!" Kyo Kusanagi said, merrily skipping through the flowers planted beside the church. "What a great day to be alive!" *** Oh. You *do* know where this is going? Let's move on, then. *** "Maybe you could play some more Skee-ball," the God Mini under his pillow suggested. "That's fun." "I *hate* Skee-ball!" Sister Rampant Fornication yelled, waving his arms and accidentally knocking a fifteen-pound bowling ball out the window. *** What? You know where *this* is heading? Let's keep going. *** A knock on the door of the chamber silenced Sister Rampant Fornication's tirade. He opened the door to see two well-groomed men dressed in suits standing there. "Excuse me... uhm, *Ma'am*... but have you ever read our pamphlet?" Sister Rampant Fornication blinked. "Why, no," he said. "I... don't believe I have." "HEY!" God Mini yelled. "Don't listen to them! It's a trap! Stop it!" One of the men handed Sister Rampant Fornication a pamphlet. "Well, read through it. And ask yourself... am I a *happy* person?" "Okay... I will. Thanks," he said, taking the pamphlet. "Oh, *Jesus*," God Mini moaned. "Quiet, you," Sister Rampant Fornication said, throwing God Mini out the wind- *** What the hell *are* you, *psychic*? I can't *believe* you know where that one's going! Fine! I quit! *You* do this! * OK, smart guy, I will. In Thinkerese! Bwahaaahaaa heh heh... hmm. <><><><> Thed things that was out the window felling straight at Kyo. Then Kyo was notoiced a money blowing on the wind. "Twenty dollars! Mine!" Kyo runs off after teh money, and the fallen things missed his completely, landing on of Hardcore Holly's head, ending his reign of pedantism. ALL: What the hell was that?? <><><><> Meanwhile, in Sister Rampant Fornication's room, things were a bit uglier than usual. "Sister, you're being busted for rampant fornication." "I am? How about the homicide?" "What homicide?" *BLAM* "That one." * "Yes, I'm afraid you are going to have to be held accountable for that homicide now, too." "How about these next two?" "Wha-" *BLAMBLAM* "... Yeah, those as well." "So let me get this straight, my actions have consequences?" "Yes, I'm afraid so." "So when I do somthing, something else happens to counteract it. Is that what you're saying?" "Yes, whenever you do something to effect other people, those effects will always have some sort of counter-effect back unto yourself." "But what if I-" "Yes, that too." "Oh... What abou-" "Yes, I'm afraid that would also carry some sort of consequence." "... This is an entirely new idea to me..." "Yes, well. I'm sorry, but I guess you'll just have to grow up and get used to it. Now hurry down, Nun-Court is about to come to session." "Yes, sister." * * * * * * * * Nun-Court, names have been changed to project the innocent... The Nun-Bailiff nun stands before the holy Nun-Tribunal and Nun-Jury and cries, "Here ye, Here ye, the court has come to session. The honorable Sister Judy presiding. All Rise." (Theme Music Here) Sister Judy walks behind the tribunal and takes her seat while simultaneously saying, "be seated," and giving the Bailiff a tissue. "Okay, will the defended please rise." "That would be me, your Nun-ship." "Really? I thought it'd be someone completely different from you, the person standing behind the podium with the word 'Nun-Defendant' blazoned upon it's front." "Yes, I can see how you could make that mistake. Anyway about this whole thing about my rampant fornica-" "Shut up! When I want you're testimony I'll give it to you. Now, what do you have to say for yourself concerning these charges?" "Well, the build up of negatively charged electrons in my gown from the increasing friction of the fabric against the carpet whenever I get down to rampant fornication seems to have come to the point where small electrical storms follow me around all the time and well, I don't really see how this has anything to do with the charges brought up agains- oh wait, you meant the *other* charges, didn't you?" "... Never mind, I don't want to here it. Will the prosecution please present it's case." "Yes, your Nun-ship. As it is apparent to the court I would like to state that Sister Rampant Fornication is clearly guilty of various counts of rampa-" *BLAMBLAMBLAM* "The Defence will refrain from blowing the prosecution to little tiny bits oh I will hold you in contempt of court!" "I'm sorry." "Okay, now. Will the next prosecution please present it's case?" "... Uh, OhlookatthetimeIjustrememberedIhaveacakeintheovengottagobyebyenow!" "..." "I'm *THIS* close to declaring a mistrial!" *BLAMBLAM* "... There will be no such declaration." "OH MY GOD!" "Hello, Captain. I've been sent to collect you." *BLAMBLAM* "I don't do charity." And so, Sister Rampant Fornication learned a few things about life... And then ended some others.... And then went to court... And then killed the prosecutor... And then the court was interupted by extra number 9 who promptly killed Sister Judy... And then Sister Rampant Fornication killed him because of the color of his tie... And then there was much lame recap... And then there was a final elipse... And then the author pushed the friggin' button already, sheesh! * And *then*... Captain Bastard went on Celebrity Jeopardy. --- "Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy!" Alex Trebek said, facing the camera. "As always, I must suggest that our viewers watch something else. With that said, let's move on to Double Jeopardy. But first, let's meet our contestants. First, Captain Bastard, who is in second place with negative seventeen thousand dollars." Captain Bastard glared at him. "I will blow your head off," he warned. "Fantastic. In third place, with negative fourty thousand dollars, is Skullomania." Skullomania hit his buzzer. "What is Catch-22?" Skullo asked. Trebek stared at him. "We haven't started playing yet, Mr. Skullomania." Skullomania tilted his head. "Oh." "And in first place with a commanding lead is Iori Yagami, with negative four thousand dollars." "I know Kung-Fu!" Iori proudly and drunkenly boasted, smiling. "For the last time, Mr. Yagami, no you do *not*. Better luck to all of you in the next round. Our Double Jeopardy categories are: 'History', 'Famous Titles', 'Literature' - which, for the benefit of our contestants, is just a big word that means 'books' - 'Television', 'Commercials', 'Colors', and 'Months that Begin with 'Oct''. Mr. Skullomania, you are in third place, so you get to select the category." "Uh, yes. I'll take 'Donuts' for eight hundred." "Donuts isn't a *category*, Mr. Skullomania." "Oh, sorry. I'll take 'Donuts' for *six* hundred." "...Captain Bastard, we'll start with *you*. Pick a category, please." "I bet if you hold really still I can shoot your moustache off," Captain Bastard suggested. "...Mr. Yagami, *you* pick the category." Iori raised his head off of his podium and looked at the categories. "I'll take 'Famoush Tittiesh' for four hundred," he said. "What?" Trebek asked, looking up at the board. "No, no, Mr. Yagami, that's famous *titles*. Famous *titles*. For four hundred." Trebek read from his card. "This fighting tournament is held every year to see who will be crowned the King of Fighters." The three contestants stared blankly at Alex Trebek. "The *King* of *Fighters*," he prompted. There was silence as the three contestants continued to stare blankly at Trebek. "Mr. Yagami, you *might* want to guess this one," Trebek suggested. There was silence. Iori rang in. "Mr. Yagami," Trebek prompted. "Mai Shiranui," Iori said. "*No*, Mr. Yagami, it's famous *titles*! Famous *titles*! I-" A buzzer sounded and Skullomania's podium lit up. "Yes, Mr. Skullomania?" Trebek asked. "What... is... the King of the Ring!" Skullo said. "No," Trebek said. "That w-" Captain Bastard rang in. "Captain Bastard?" "What is King Missile?" "No!" Trebek yelled. "The answer was the *King* of *Fighters* Tournament!" Trebek calmed himself down. "Let's move on. Skullomania, please pick a category." "Gee. I'll take 'Donuts' for a thousand, please." "There's NO 'DONUTS'!" Alex yelled. "I like donuts," Skullo said. Iori rang in. "What *is* it, Mr. Yagami?" Trebek asked. "Morrigan," Iori said. "Famous TITLES!" Trebek said. "TITLES! Captain Bastard, YOU pick the category!" "I'll take 'Months that Begin with 'Oct'', please," Captain Bastard asked. "For how *much*, Captain Bastard?" "Ah, hell, let's go nuts. Gimme 'Months that Begin with 'Oct'' for eight thousand dollars." "'Months that Begin with 'Oct'' for *six hundred*," Trebek said. The clue came up. "This," Alex read, "is the *only* *month* that starts with 'Oct'." Captain Bastard rang in. "Octember," he said. Trebek shook his head. "*No*." Skullomania rang in. "What is... Octerday?" he asked. "*No*," Trebek said. Iori slumped down over his podium and began laughing. "He shaid 'turd'!" Iori said, laughing. "I hate you," Trebek said. "The answer was *October*! *October*! It's *next* *month*!" "Oh, *I* see!" Captain Bastard yelled. "A *trick* question!" Trebek facepalmed. "Just pick a category, Captain Bastard." "I'll take 'Colors'," Bastard said. "For how *much*?" Trebek asked. "Surprise me, you filthy git!" Bastard said. Trebek sighed. "That was *unnecessary*. Colors, for eight hundred." Trebek held up a purple card. "Name *this* *color*," he asked. The three contestants stared at the card. "*Please*," Trebek asked. The three contestants stared at the card. "For God's *sakes*! It *ends* in *-urple*! *Someone* get this!" Skullomania buzzed in. "Thank *God*. Mr. Skullomania?" Alex asked. Skullomania hesitated. "What is... light urple?" he asked. "*NO*! *NO* IT ISN'T LI-" Iori buzzed in. "YES, Mr. Yagami?" "Who ish Jaleel White," Iori said. "*What*?" Trebek asked. "Well... washn't he the guy who played Urple, the amushing fellow who wore glasses and liked cheese?" "That was URKEL! *URKEL*! NOT-" Captain Bastard's buzzer sounded repeatedly. "I think my buzzer's broken," Captain Bastard said, pressing his buzzer repeatedly. "No, it's *not* *broken*," Trebek said. Captain Bastard looked at it. "Yes, it is," he said. He pressed it repeatedly, causing it to make a very annoying noise. "*No* it *isn't*!" Trebek yelled. "There's *nothing* wrong w- NOW what?" he yelled, turning to face Iori as he buzzed in. "Hee he hee heee hee he heee..." Iori giggled. "Check out thish guy'sh back." Iori turned Skullomania around to reveal a "Kick Me" sign. "You put a "Kick Me" sign on his back," Trebek said testily. "Yeah," Iori said, giggling, "I, uh, I did it when he washn't looking. It'sh funny." "I... it... let's just go right to Final Jeopardy." Alex picked up the Final Jeopardy card. "Your Final Jeopardy category is..." He turned the card over, read it, and threw it over his shoulder. "You know what, let's just forget that one, your Final Jeopardy category is the *current* *year*." The lights dimmed and the Jeopardy theme played as the three contestants wrote with their special pens. "The *current* *year*," Trebek said. "The *year* it *is* *now*." The music finished and the lights came back up. Trebek walked over to the row of podiums and and faced the camera. "Well," he said, "let's get this over with. Captain Bastard, let's see what you put down... you answered... half an outline of your hand. And your wager... was the other half of your hand." Trebek fell silent. "I'd like to buy a vowel," Bastard said. "Okay," Trebek said after a pause, "that's *infuriating*. Mr. Skullomania, what did you write?" he asked, walking over to the empty space where Skullomania was standing. Skullomania said nothing. "And... your *podium* is gone," Trebek said. "I don't know where it went," Skullomania said honestly. "I'm confused." "You *lost* your *podium*," Trebek said. "That... it... you know what? I don't care. Mr. Yagami, for the love of God, please have the right answer," he said as he walked over to Iori's podium. Iori was giggling to himself. "Let's see..." Trebek said. "You guessed... 'below'. That... I don't know why you would write that. You wagered..." Trebek paused. "...'me'." Iori began flat-out cackling at the top of his lungs. "'Below... me'," Trebek said. Iori began laughing even harder. "'Below me'," Trebek repeated. "I don't get it." "I *bet* you don't!" Iori laughed, cackling happily before collapsing and rolling on the floor laughing. "Well," Trebek said. "That wraps up this edition of Celebrity Jeopardy. I'm going home now and drinking until I don't feel pain anymore. Goodnight." Trebek walked off the set. --- "You know," the unnamed crew member said to nobody in particular as he turned his TV off, "I think he's ready to come back now." * Alone, on a desert landscape, a wise man sat saying wise things and generally giving off an aura of wiseness. While expounding his wise spokage, other people would walk by and say things that could be considered wise, if you really felt like being stubborn about it. The wiseness of the wise man's wisings wised up the less wise in a wiseable sort of way. But none of this really mattered since they were all about to die. "Really?" said the wise man in a really wise way. But no one answered him because they weren't wise enough... or something. *BOOM* went the planet in a loud sort of way. And then evil ninjas leapt onto the scene and waved their various weaponry around in a dramatic manner. They all soon died, however, since the planet had blown up and there was no gravity or air left to breathe. Captain Bastard was currently occupied with not being on the bridge of the ship the is the title sake of this fic, much to the annoyance of his officers. Instead, he was down on a different planet than the one that blew up or the three others that blew up after it. He was busy rampantly fornicating under the guise of Sister Rampant Fornification in the Church of Those Sorts of Things. * And that, my friends, is the current plot. Let's change it. *** "Sister Rampant Fornication," Big Sister said, "you behaved most unladylike during your trial in Nun-court, and you broke character and appeared as Captain Bastard during your appearance on Celebrity Jeopardy." "Yep," Sister Rampant Fornication said. "You are hereby excommunicated, never to return," Big Sister commanded. "Cool," Sister Rampant Fornication said, dropping that incredibly long title and going back to being Captain Bastard. "You don't seem too upset about it," Big Sister pointed out. "I finally beat Guitar Star God-kun yesterday," Captain Bastard said. "I have *no* fucking reason to stay here anymore." "Do you *have* to swear the second you're not a nun anymore?" Big Sister asked. "Duh. *Yes*," Captain Bastard said. "I... see," Big Sister said. "You will take your leave now." Captain Bastard blew her head off. "'Kay," he said, walking out. --- "Captain Bastard!" the unnamed crew member called triumphantly, running up to Captain Bastard as he exited the Church of Those Sorts of Things. "You've returned to your former self!" "Yes, indeed!" Captain Bastard struck a pose. "I have once again returned to my former gimmick, that of an unhappy brooding space captain!" "Then, you will now return victoriously to the Zeitgeist Eggbeater and guide us to our incredibly important goal that nobody's actually actually mentioned yet?" the unnamed crew member asked happily. Captain Bastard smiled and rested his shotgun on his shoulder, the wind rustling his hair. "No," he said. The unnamed extra facefaulted. * And so Captain Bastard did take a pre-launch potty break. * "Christ. Why couldn't I have been in Nadesico or some other *good* science fiction show?" Captain Bastard muttered as he flipped the pages of the bathroom's week-old newspaper. "Hell, I'm getting damn sick of that ship - if I have to pilot the Zeitgeist to one more goddamn planet I'll go goddamn crazy and take my goddamn shotgun and blow the goddamn hell out of my goddamn crew - Hello, what's this?" Bastard said, noticing a little square in the classifieds section that had been highlighted with a yellow marker. 'Are you a captain who wants out of the business? Why not sell your ship to the black market! Premium rates for new and used space battleships. Call 1-800-KGB-SCAM.' "Woohoo! I could make a cool million or two out of this!" Bastard shouted, leaping up from the toilet seat with a sudden jerk and making a filthy mess in the process. He stormed out of the bathroom. "Excuse me, captain-" A nearby ensign said - "SOMEBODY SHOW ME A CELL PHONE OR I'LL START SHOOTING HEADS!" * Wow, what with the site redesign, I bet lots of people are going to write ZE parts now! ... ... What? You thought I was going to do something? * And lo', Neovid hath disappointed the ZE audience by not participating. "He did what?" Capt. Bastard asked in a questioning manner. He didn't participate, like I said. "Really?" He asked again, totally ignoring the paper shreds that were the fourth wall. Yes. "That jerk!" He brought up his pistol... *BANGnSTUFF!* And lo', a character hath attempted murder.